As imagined by Brian Beacom

YES, I will admit that being leader of Scottish Labour seems a thankless task. And yes, some mornings I wake up and think I’d rather be Michelle Mone’s housekeeper.

But we will storm these elections and make the Number Two position. After all, we’ve got the policies to beat the part-time linesman, don’t we?

Our new manifesto outlines how we will end the great divide between the haves and the have-nots in British society.

And as the son of a multi-millionaire who grew up in a fabulous Glasgow villa I am a living example of how a great divide can appear.

Yes, you may say that as a Labour leader I have no right to be spouting about ideals such as equality, given that my family is richer than a conglomerate of puppy farm owners.

You may say that denying any issues with all of this makes me appear as genuine as David Cameron’s Greensill excuses. But that’s not true. In fact, I am an honest-to-goodness hypocrite.

But being a hypocrite gives me a real advantage of perspective. I can see greed from both sides. I know all about privilege, being a former Hutchie boy and dentist who chose to follow my dad into politics. So who better to berate the better-off than me?

Now, if you’re asking me about private schooling, just look at the government’s abysmal education record. And isn’t sending your kids to private school a strong Labour tradition? Haven’t the likes of Diane Abbott, Shami Chakrabarti and Emily Thornberry long supported this ideal?

For the record, I’m happy to drive the kids to school in a big, flash motor because as a champion of climate change law I get to highlight even more hypocrisy.

And isn’t it the duty of every parent to embarrass their children at every opportunity? What better way to upset all the wholegrain-eating, hemp-wearing, lavender-sniffing little Greta fans than to cut about in a gas guzzler?

But don’t forget, the Labour Party now cares. That’s why I pledge to abolish the council tax. I have no idea what we will replace it with. But I also plan to recruit 3000 new teachers, so hopefully a few of those can come up with a maths plan.

Yes, I admit there are political questions I will never know the answer to: I have as much idea of how the SNP would pay for all its promises as I have of knowing if Kate Fleming will survive the OCG rogue cop’s attempt to shoot her in the face.

But I do know this. The defining moment in recognising the Labour Party had left behind its support was when Peter Mandelson walked into a chippy and asked for a tub of ‘wonderful guacamole’, which of course turned out to be mushy peas.

I’m a cash and carry man at heart. I know what a tin of Batchelor peas looks like.

Although, I am partial to a bit of guacamole.