Grounded in reality
IS the centuries old hostility between Scotland and England a thing of the past? Have we decided to lay down our claymores and return those clumps of grass, mud and bits of goalpost that we "borrowed" from the Wembley pitch after a 1977 footy victory?
The answer appears to be a resounding… mibbe.
For reader John McMenemy has spotted a headline in an English newspaper which triumphantly states: “Sturgeon may find home again in UK after 200 year lull.” 
Alas, on closer inspection the article turns out to have nothing to do with the mighty Nicola. Instead, it’s about the slightly less mighty fish that shares her name. 
On the plus side, at least we get to keep the 40-year-old Wembley mud.

Fighting talk
ELECTIONEERING this week, Alex Salmond has been his usual demure and understated self. In one especially humble statement about his new party’s impact, he roared: “Let the earthquake commence!”
Reader Colin Sullivan says: “If this latest political manoeuvre doesn’t work out for Alex, he could get a job writing dialogue for superhero movies.”
Our correspondent adds: “‘Let the earthquake commence!’ is what Thor or Thanos would say if they were running for the Scottish Parliament.”

Netflix and chill
THE young son of reader Nicola Gordon complained that he feared sleeping in his attic room as he was afraid of ghosts. 
Mum responded: “Why would a ghost hang around your attic when there’s Netflix and a drinks cabinet in the living room?”
The little chap was satisfied with this answer.

Cheesy pun
FERRY operator CalMac have their critics, but when it comes to marketing munchies, they’re mighty slick. This week they emailed their lunch menu to Diary correspondent David Donaldson. Top of the list was… Cal'Mac & Cheese.

Cutting comment
WE recently published a photograph of a hairdressers which went under the name of McCaig’s Traditional Turkish Barber, forcing us to admit that we didn’t realise the McCaig Clan originated on the banks of the Bosphorus.
Hugh Scott Smith from Duddingston wonders if the mistake lies with the owners of the snippety-snip shop.
“Could the Turkish barber be renamed McCaig’s Folly?” he suggests.

Mangled mollusc
AN unlikely tale from reader Sandy Stewart, who claims to have taken the shell off his racing snail to make him go faster. “If anything, it made him more sluggish,” says a despondent Sandy.

Handy info
“THE only difference between clutching a ball in your hands and doing a handstand is you're just holding a bigger ball... called Earth,” notes reader Ted Ivory.