As imagined by Brian Beacom

OH, come on! Hartlepool wasn’t that bad, was it? Yes, they voted in a Conservative. And yes, we were defeated by nearly 7,000 votes. But this is a town which once hung a monkey thinking it was a French sailor, so if they can confuse a tiny simian with a real-life human being then it’s easy to see why they could tick a box for a Tory.

Okay, I wouldn’t make this claim in a court of law, but let’s not think Labour losses in this election have been about lacking strategy. The best thing that ever happened to Boris Johnson, apart from managing to dodge the charge of misleading parliament, pushing aside the pole dancer financial impropriety, sucking up the Dyson cronyism charge and being able, finally, to pay for the gold leaf wallpaper, is Covid.

He had an infection stinker in his first year – but thanks to science and the vaccine roll-out he’s PM at time when the country is happier than a dog in heat who has discovered a hole in the fence of the bitch’s garden next door.

We’re leaving lockdown. We’re looking at Green corridors. Meantime, Rishi Sunak is splashing money all over the Red Wall like it were paint from B&Q’s remainder section.

That’s why, between you and me, I’m sick of Labour’s history department crawling out to reclaim past glories.

Take Peter Mandelson; he says that Jeremy Corbyn still casts a long shadow over the party. But how can he? The only shadow Corbyn casts these days is from his armchair at the Marx & Engels Care Home in Highgate for retired revolutionaries, where he now sings along to the Clash LPs while going misty eyed at old photos of Diane Abbott.

Mandy says we’ve lost the working classes. But what are working class people now? Are they people like me, who have a knighthood?

Mandy says I need to find direction and continually cites Tony Blair’s success. Well, Blair was certainly a man with direction. He found his way easily into George Dubya’s backside when deals were being done to divvy up Iraq. He has had no trouble finding the address of a top financial planner to talk about investing his £60m fortune.

And for Mandy to tell me I don’t understand the value systems of ordinary people? What! During his cash for curtains farrago, Boris at least had the decency to adopt the countenance of a fifth former who’s been caught with the tuck shop cash in his sock. Peter Mandelson’s secret loan for his Notting Hill home revealed him to be more shameless than any series C4 ever set in Manchester.

We need to stop looking for a sequel to Blair’s New Labour. We’re not the Railway Children. I’m not Jenny Agutter, even though I do have the plummy voice and can wave a red flag with the best of them.

So don’t worry. Like the old steam trains, we will come round the bend again. Scotland watch out.