Boris Johnson and Michael Gove's independence love bomb is a Blind Date too far

"My name's Gordon, and I'm from Giffnock. My big heart beats for unity. Unless you're from Rochdale, in which case you bigoted women are on your own.

"Pick me... or don't, you'll still be stuck with me. I may be a penitent sinner, but rest assured I'll minister to your every need."

Number two, what's your name and where do you come from?

"My name's Michael, and I'm from Aberdeen. I might have been an architect of Brexit, but that's the only split I'll permit.

"I want to keep us together. You don't need to know the how, the why or the wherefore - I'm sick of experts.

"I may, on occasion, take a drive to test my eyesight but when it comes to us, I'll be driving you nothing but wild."

Number three - what's your name and where do you come from?

"My name's Boris, and I'm from Manhattan. I like Greek, late night cheese, and fall asleep by counting my children.

"I don't have much money but if you want to come to my love nest, I've got a chaise longue for you to lounge on."

Would that the Westminster efforts to wine and dine Scotland couldn't be resolved in a 30 minute game show.

Michael Gove and Boris Johnson (right) Picture: Stefan Rousseau/PA Wire

Instead, it's been threatened that Boris Johnson plans to love bomb North Britain over the next 18 months. Luckily it seems likely the Scottish Government will ease the overseas travel ban shortly so we're not entirely trapped with the man.

You'll remember that last year he said the government was "putting our arms around every single worker". He's really not listening to the mood music, is he? Keep your hands to yourself, Johnson.

But the blond Lothario is nowhere to be seen. Afraid to be the prime minister who loses Scotland, he's choosing to love us from afar while sending an emissary in his place.

And what better emissary than Michael Gove, apparently roaming up and down Buchanan street asking ordinary Scots their thoughts on independence. He did a decent number on BBC Scotland's Sunday Show, dodging every one of Martin Geissler's questions with a stock answer and looking for all the world like a glass frog waiting to lick up a cricket.

Labour are at it too, sending Gordon Brown to try to romance his countrymen. But at least they avoid the dreaded "love bomb" phrase.

Love bomb suggests a violent affection. It's also a name for a form of coercive control and was first coined to describe the technique used by the Moonies to convert followers so I'm not just being picky - it's really not a great sell, political tactic-wise. It's one of these soundbites that deserves to bite the dust.

Another one of these phrases is "divisive referendum". How many time over the past few days has been uttered the phrase "We do not need another divisive referendum." What's a uniting referendum? It's almost tautology, this self-fulfilling scaremongering.

Instead of faux concern about division, why not focus on how to make a referendum campaign a civil experience? Those who bleat about the perils of another independence vote seem relaxed about elections.

Michael Gove MP (L) speaks during a press conference as Boris Johnson looks on Picture: Stefan Rousseau - WPA Pool/Getty Images

One guarantee, as we stride off into a future that may or may not contain a second indy ref, is that there's going to be a entire lexicon of meaningless phraseology. Annoying shorthands that try to encapsulate complicated and nuanced issues into a two or three word fit-for-Twitter terms.

Politicians will be at it, pundits will be at it. Alarm clock Britain, remember that, courtesy of Nick Clegg? Theresa May's JAM electorate - just about managing.

Love bombs, divisive referendums. A lot of "why do you hate Scotlands". An overwhelming number of questions dodged.

And now, from the Tories, an uncomfortable undercurrent that all this is in the name of love, like a creepy ex who insists he can win you back by force of will alone. He's done nothing to improve his bad habits yet he can't think why you don't want him.

No thanks to the love bomb. I do not consent.