DOES anyone else feel caught on the hop? I have been saying for weeks now that I really must start to wean myself off a daily reliance on apparel with elasticated waistbands and try to ease back into more structured clothing.
But now the day of reckoning looms and I am not quite ready. Not even close. I am like the White Rabbit in Alice in Wonderland, rushing about going: “I’m late, I’m late! For a very important date!”
Tomorrow sees the latest round of restrictions being relaxed across most of Scotland. I imagine there are those who, in the coming days, will be greeted by admiring oohs and aahs like the big reveal on a makeover show as they step out to meet long-estranged friends and loved ones.
Unfortunately, my current vibe is more on a par with Tom Hanks in Castaway. If Tom Hanks in Castaway had landed on an island with an abundance of Kettle Chips and KitKats rather than coconuts.
There have been other unexpected developments. After 14 months of only wearing plastic gardening clogs and hiking boots, my already impossibly wide feet (yes, I always had to make a special trip to Clarks to get school shoes) appear to have spread even more.
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Last weekend, I dug out a pair of smart shoes and decided to put them on. Suddenly I was in a bad audition to play one of the Ugly Sisters in Cinderella. Except, rather than a slender glass slipper, it was a chunky loafer. I huffed and puffed. I tried thinner socks. Thinner feet would have been helpful.
I remember seeing a poster some years back that read: “Are you beach body ready?” It seemed ridiculous at the time. I have a body. I will go to the beach. Simple.
Now I am now thinking: “Are you real world ready?” What we need is a flow chart that corresponds with the different stages of the Scottish Government route map out of lockdown, packed with key dates and handy hints.
Step one: Are you social interaction ready?
No. In face-to-face conversation I find myself leaving a pause, as if waiting for the time lag on a video call to kick in. This invariably makes me look like a bad soap actor trying to remember their lines.
Step two: Are you suitable attire ready?
No. I am running at least three months behind schedule. Nothing fits. My wardrobe of basic dresses, that seemed super comfortable and effortless pre-pandemic, now feel impossibly fancy and akin to getting glammed up to go to the Oscars.
Step three: Are you conversation topic ready?
No. Not if the pained looks on the faces of the postie/delivery man/supermarket staff are anything to go by.
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Step four: Are you pub measures ready?
No. But who is after months of home pours?
Step five: Are you indoors visitor ready?
No. Hell no. There are large swathes of my home that make Steptoes’ Yard look houseproud. Yelp.
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