As imagined by Brian Beacom

I HAVE to say, first of all, if I may, that the claims being made that I’m dodgier than a Kelvin Hall dodgem being driven by Roger the Dodger in the direction of Dodge City are entirely without foundation.

As I told the select committees, all I did was work for a money lending firm that planned to pay off chemists owed money by HM Treasury, and charge the government exorbitant rates of interests for the privilege.

Is setting up this deal in any way dodgy?

Yes, I may have sent 56 texts, or begging messages if you wish to be accurate, and yes, I signed off ‘Love, DC.’ But I sign off all my texts this way – which perhaps explains why the young man delivering the Domino’s pizza to my Chipping Norton door on a Friday night has an expectant smile on his face.

The reality is I’ve been trying to help the economy recover from the pandemic, working for the public good if you like. Remember, as an ex-politician I am now a fully paid-up member of the public, which means I should do nothing but good for me, given half the chance.

Now, Labour's Angela Eagle tried to embarrass me about the text begging, which was laughable. I hardly blushed when it was claimed I inserted my private member's bill into a pig’s mouth during my Oxford initiation ceremony.

I once shrugged off the gaffe I made about Nigeria being fantastically corrupt, thus compromising the Queen. And there was Brexit, of course, which would have caused other PMs to hide away in an ancestral croft in Uist.

I don’t have a shiny face for nothing, you know. I’m more oil than Olay. But let’s not forget the really important issue here; why is it wrong to try and pull a few favours worth, allegedly, £20m, from friends? And why is it wrong of me to disguise this? As a PR man, I know all about obfuscation.

Back in 2009, I was asked in an interview how many houses I owned. I said I didn’t know. So if I’m not going to answer a simple question about whether I knew Lex Greensill’s banking scheme was always headed for the sewage pond, unless I lovebombed Rishi Sunak into flashing the cash?

OK, Herald readers want to know why I got into politics in the first place? Well, the truth is I wanted to make a difference. Do I mean a difference to my bank account? All I can say is I’ve long known that influence is worth way more than the measly £160k a PM makes. And have you any idea how much I love private plane flights, and houses, however many there may be?

But I will admit I regret this investigation business? I regret sending texts. I’d have been better making fly phone calls instead. And I do admit I want to be loved. And not just by pizza boys.

‘Love, DC,’ really is the real me.