As imagined by Brian Beacom

YES, OK, this Dyson inquiry has hoovered up proof that I lied like a rug in order to secure the 1995 Panorama interview with Diana. But I ask you; what man hasn’t told a woman a few fibs to keep her sweet, or land a career-defining, riches-resulting world exclusive?

And before you lot in print get too sanctimonious, tell me someone who didn’t watch my biggest scoop of the 20th century? I made Woodward and Bernstein look like a couple of school magazine scribblers.

You must know Diana was ready to sing like a canary? That little ginger nuisance Witchell had been after her for yonks. And so was Oprah. All I did was birdseed her a little, by hinting that MI5 were bugging her, the staff were selling secrets to the News of the World and Charles and the nanny were playing at Mary Poppins and Bert, late nights in the palace.

As for the first inquiry, didn’t BBC boss Tony Hall accept my argument that these fake bank statements were just ‘graphics’ – and accept my perfectly plausible explanation that I had no plausible explanation for having them made up in the first place?

Didn’t Diana herself exonerate me when she wrote that she already knew about the plots and schemes against her prior to the interview, thanks to me having primed her brother?

Yes, later she may have sussed what I may or may not have been up to and would refer to me as ‘The Poison Dwarf’ but remember; she was listening to clairvoyants more often than Wham! records. It may have been royal courtiers who claimed MI5 were spying on her. It absolutely may not have been me.

And do I need to remind Herald readers that during my brilliant interview, of which I am immensely proud, there were three of us in that room; Diana, me – and my conscience. And my conscience told me to think hard about getting a new suit for Bafta night.

As for Prince Harry’s contention that the lies I fed his mother created ripples that led to her death in a Paris tunnel? Absolutely not. All I did was fuel her rampant paranoia, separate her from confidants and protectors such as Patrick Jephson, and turn the Palace schism into a Grand Canyon-like chasm.

But let’s not dwell in the past, or even talk about my TV suspension in the States for sexism, except to say I went on to a glittering career and another legendary interview, with Michael Jackson.

Yes, again there were claims that I made false claims in order to secure the interview. But didn’t Jacko deserve what he got? Wasn’t Ebony and Ivory a musical crime from which humanity has never recovered?

As the BBC’s recent Religious Editor, I know my sins are venial. So, let those without sin cast the first stone. Who amongst us hasn’t faked up a few little fake bank statements with which to entice the most famous woman in the world?