IN a neat metaphor for Scottish Conservatism, Douglas Ross was self-isolating at FMQs. He joined the fray from a hotel room somewhere in the capital.

Those hoping he would appear in a breakfast stained hoodie absent-mindedly scratching his policies were disappointed. 

The Scottish Tory leader was self-isolating in a smart suit, at least above the waist.

TV cameras normally make Mr Ross look like a pudgy schoolboy grumbling the tuck shop’s closed. 

But leaning into his laptop, he was a man transformed. Sadly for him, into an angry hamster.

“Does the First Minister have full confidence in the Scottish Qualifications Authority?” he said, referring to the country’s leading education cock-up quango, his little cheeks all a-quiver.

“Yes, I do,” said Nicola Sturgeon, before rushing to reassure parents and pupils it hadn’t cocked-up again with appeals for this year’s exam-like non-exam assessment doodads.

Mr Ross nibbled diligently on. 

Thousands faced “another year of grades confusion and chaos,” he said.

“Does she agree... her government is in denial?”

To which, of course, there is only one answer.

“I do not agree with that,” said Ms Sturgeon.

Joy on the Tory benches. Howzat! She’s denied she’s in denial. QED it must be true.

Incidentally, two hours after Ms Sturgeon expressed her confidence in the SQA, her education secretary announced a review of its “role, remit, purpose, functions and governance arrangements”. 

Which is pretty much all of it. 

You wonder what Ms Sturgeon found left to like. Its font? 

After Mr Ross, Labour’s Anas Sarwar tried to get under the FM’s skin by reminding her of the many Boris Johnson-style mistakes she’d made at the start of the pandemic.

As he reeled off problems with mass gatherings, PPE, testing and care homes, Ms Sturgeon’s fuse got shorter and shorter.

By the time he revealed a Labour timeline comparing decisions in Edinburgh and London, it had burned down to the powder. 

“I am glad for Anas Sarwar that he has the time to do timelines,” she snarled.

“There is nothing that he has just told me that I do not know, and there is nothing that I have sought to shy away from. I do not know what point Anas Sarwar is trying to make.”

Mr Sarwar smiled. The point is to burst your bubble, naturally.

When he accused her of hiding behind “Scottish exceptionalism” instead of answering the public’s questions, she was so miffed she repeated the phrase with air quotes, as if the SNP had no truck with such a thing.

Mission accomplished for Mr Sarwar. 

Finally, Western Isles SNP MSP Alasdair Allan came on the screen to ask about CalMac, beamed all the way from, er, his office on the other side of the parliament.

We don’t think he’s self-isolating, just hiding from constituents who need a ferry.