Downer days

THE odious organisers of the Euros have devised a cruel and unusual punishment for the Tartan Army – they’re forcing Scotland to play at least two more games.

Reader Darren Edwards won’t be watching the fixtures. “If I want crushing disappointment in my life,” he says, “it’s just as easy to tune in for Nicola Sturgeon’s latest update about lockdown easing.”

Cop that

CANCEL CULTURE has caught up with Enid Blyton, the children’s author who wrote about Noddy and his Toytown chums from the 1940s until the early 60s.

Reader Guy Murray is delighted that Enid has been ended. “It would have been very hurtful for a young Prince Charles to stumble upon a book featuring a chap called Big Ears,” he explains. “It was also unforgivable that the endeavours of Britain’s noble and dynamic constabulary were disparaged by the introduction of a character called PC Plod. He should have been named PC Punctilious.”

Foolish type

THE Diary continues improving the English Dictionary by adding words that don’t already appear. Jim Hamilton suggests: Unkeyboardinated (adj): Lacking physical or mental keyboard coordination; unable to type without repeatedly making mistakes.

Cathay says: “Ciao!”

WE mentioned that some Australian ne’er-do-wells have painted a sign on a rooftop next to Sydney Airport which reads: “Welcome to Perth.” The object of the exercise is to discombobulate passengers in descending planes, who conclude that they are about to land in the wrong location.

The Diary is curious to know what warped and wicked welcome should be scrawled on a rooftop near Glasgow Airport.

David Donaldson tells us that if he lived near the flight path he’d simply paint a friendly greeting on his roof: “Hello there, China.”

Flight of fancy

CHATTING with his wife, reader Malcolm Boyd happened to mention that he’d been searching for some cheap flights on the Internet. She seemed very pleased and even made hubby a nice cup of tea.

“I didn’t even know she liked darts,” says Malcolm.

Fun foiled

WE’VE been recalling the picaresque pictorial adventures of a gent named Kilroy, whose name used to be scribbled on toilet doors.

Richard Davis, who is based in Vienna, believes there should be an updated equivalent of Kilroy to reflect the impositions placed on public activity over the last year-and-a-bit.

He suggests: “Killjoy was here.”

Footer about

WE continue to tease out the cockamamie contradictions in the lunatic lingo otherwise known as the English language. Jim Dunlop from Largs points out that noses often run while feet may smell.