Future perfect
TALLOW candles were once a source of light in the home, while a horse and carriage conveyed ladies and gents round town. Such things are now vanished. Outdated and ousted from the modern world.

It seems the office is going much the same way, with increasing numbers of people staying home to work.

Which brings us to a Wishaw reader, who overheard the following intriguing statement: “The office of the future will have three elements. A dog, a man,
 a computer, all being required. The man is there to feed the dog, and the dog is there to keep the man away from the computer.”

Taking the biscuit

THE military being drafted in to help the ambulance service reminds Bryce Drummond of the occasion when army fire engine crews helped out during a firemen’s strike. 

One squad rescued an elderly lady’s cat stuck up a tree. The lady was so grateful she invited the troop into her house for tea and biscuits. 
Unfortunately, when driving off, the fire engine ran over 
the cat.

In other words, military manoeuvres mashed moggie.

Camus with crunch

LITERATURE fan Sharon Hutchison was surprised to learn the rather pompous novelist 

Will Self is promoting a range of macarons. 

“Surely nothing says ‘serious author’ like punting biscuits,” says Sharon, who adds: “I wonder if there’s any truth to the rumour that Albert Camus gave away sticks of rock with his novels. 

The rock had no message running through it, apparently. Very existential.”
Labouring with lingo

“MY neighbour’s four-year-old son is learning Spanish but still can’t say ‘please’ in the language,” reveals reader Tom Carter: “That’s poor for four.”

Water gal

RUM distiller Fergus McGowan is feeling blessed. “Hungover in London,” he reveals, “and my girlfriend hands me a bottle of Scottish tap water that she had filled up especially for me. She’s 
a keeper!”

Sweet tooth suckered

STROLLING through Sainsbury’s, reader Gabby Nelson spotted an elderly fellow with his granddaughter. 
The old chap said to the youngster: “Wit aboot some chocolate, hen? D’you fancy a Curly Wurly or a Mars Bar or…”
The youngster primly interrupted: “Mum says chocolate’s only for the weekend.”
The old fellow looked crestfallen. “Nae sweeties durin’ the week?” he sighed. “Then 
it’s aboot time somebody cancelled this Monday tae 
Friday business. I dinnae see 
the point oany mare.”

Hot bother
WE hear that reader Larry Butterworth is banned from his local cinema for bringing his own food. “Totally unfair,” grumps Larry. “I hadn’t had a barbeque in ages.”