Sex expert, Tracey Cox, had always been what she described as "highly sexed", but when the menopause came she felt her libido fall through the fall. Thus began a journey that led to her book, Great Sex Begins At 50: How to age-proof your libido. These are some of her words of wisdom.
Sex can be more satisfying as you get older. But straight people, in particular, need to stop thinking of sex as penetration. Make sex more sensual – more touching-based – and have less expectation. Let yourself be more adventurous than you have been. Lots of women get to fifty and think, you know what, I’m actually really curious about what X feels like. I want to try it with my partner and see what that feels like. A lot of women spend most of their lives caring for other people and get to the point where they think, 'This is about me now – I’m going to explore my sexuality and I’m going to push myself into new directions that I’ve never explored before.'
Not everyone loses their libido. Part of it relates to the stage of your relationship. I’ve been with my husband now for eight years and you wonder how much of it is that and how much of it is the menopause. I put myself to the test: the next time I was watching some particularly gorgeous man on Netflix, I asked myself, “If I was single now, if he just presented himself, would I want to shag him senseless?” My response was, No, I wouldn’t actually. I wouldn’t because it would hurt. So it’s not just the issue of being in a long term relationship.
READ MORE: "Like a sexy knitting bee" The midlife women bringing the world real sex stories
For most postmenopausal women, including me, desire really does drop. There’s no doubt about it. You really have to work to keep it going and sex can hurt [because of vaginal dryness and atrophy], even if you use HRT, even if you are having regular sex.
We’re very resistant to looking at sex as anything other than bit of foreplay followed by sex based around intercourse. Sex post menopause should be anything but that. It shouldn’t be penetration focused. It shouldn’t be orgasm-focused. It should be whatever gets you there. If you can only orgasm now using a vibrator on a high speed then embrace that and do that with your partner. Midlife is the era for oral sex and sex toys.
The problem is there’s no realistic portrayal of sex out there. I get so annoyed. I remember in the TV drama Doctor Foster they had this scene where you’ve got this couple who have been married probably fifteen years – more even! – and they just wake up on a Sunday morning and she’s, of course, dressed in amazing lingerie that she’s worn to bed, and he takes one look at her and next minute they’re having mad passionate sex up against the wall. The sex we see in the media is mythical sex. It’s as rare as unicorns. We’re constantly being told sex equals frenetic, passionate intercourse. It’s never nice, slow sensual lovemaking. Which is what sex post-fifty can be.
Don’t obsess over spontaneity. Anticipation is just as good as spontaneity. My partner and I have Sundays sex where we’ll plan sex on a Sunday...That would never have worked for me in the past when I was younger. But I think when you’re older it does work. If you don’t plan sex in a long-term relationship, it rarely happens. Everything else gets in the way.
Tracey Cox was asked for her tips as part of an interview for Still Hot! 42 Brilliantly Honest Menopause Stories by Vicky Allan and Kaye Adams
READ MORE: "There is still a silence around the menopause... We need to get rid of that."
Why are you making commenting on The Herald only available to subscribers?
It should have been a safe space for informed debate, somewhere for readers to discuss issues around the biggest stories of the day, but all too often the below the line comments on most websites have become bogged down by off-topic discussions and abuse.
heraldscotland.com is tackling this problem by allowing only subscribers to comment.
We are doing this to improve the experience for our loyal readers and we believe it will reduce the ability of trolls and troublemakers, who occasionally find their way onto our site, to abuse our journalists and readers. We also hope it will help the comments section fulfil its promise as a part of Scotland's conversation with itself.
We are lucky at The Herald. We are read by an informed, educated readership who can add their knowledge and insights to our stories.
That is invaluable.
We are making the subscriber-only change to support our valued readers, who tell us they don't want the site cluttered up with irrelevant comments, untruths and abuse.
In the past, the journalist’s job was to collect and distribute information to the audience. Technology means that readers can shape a discussion. We look forward to hearing from you on heraldscotland.com
Comments & Moderation
Readers’ comments: You are personally liable for the content of any comments you upload to this website, so please act responsibly. We do not pre-moderate or monitor readers’ comments appearing on our websites, but we do post-moderate in response to complaints we receive or otherwise when a potential problem comes to our attention. You can make a complaint by using the ‘report this post’ link . We may then apply our discretion under the user terms to amend or delete comments.
Post moderation is undertaken full-time 9am-6pm on weekdays, and on a part-time basis outwith those hours.
Read the rules hereLast Updated:
Report this comment Cancel