Going native

A DIARY correspondent tells us of an occasion when a team of teenage female gymnasts from Holland were competing in an event down by Glasgow’s Armadillo.

Our reader was driving past a group of the squad members, who were strolling along, proudly wearing their kit.

The girls were all neat and tidy, walking in perfect formation, and clearly exemplary members of their home country.

Though our reader couldn’t suppress a chuckle when he spotted what was written in bold letters on the back of each girls’ top… NED.

Says our reader: “Inadvertently they had stumbled upon the perfect camouflage for mixing with the native population.”

Questioner quenched

A TRAGIC tale of ambition curtailed. Says a dispirited Ian Noble from Carstairs Village: “I’ve given up asking rhetorical questions. What’s the point?”

Woolly woes

IF the above tale wasn’t heart-rending enough, a forlorn Gordon Casely hails us from the Granite City, and says: “I spotted in an Aberdeen charity shop this morning a Dons scarf for sale. It’s not easy to say this, but they might have gained a bigger price for a Darvel scarf.”

Double trouble

SOME excellent advice from reader Harvey Thomson, who says: “It transpires that ‘Welcome back everybody!’ is not the best way to start a speech… if you’re the best man at your pal’s second wedding.”

Eye, eye

A DIARY yarn about a woman who swallowed her own tooth reminds Russell Smith from Largs of the chap who, during the night, accidentally gulped down his glass eye, which happened to be resting in a glass of water.

The surgeon who did the inevitable colonoscopy the following morning was said to be a tad discombobulated to find an eye watching his every move…

Secretive slurping

WE recently discussed the turmoil in American politics caused by the discovery that both Donald Trump and Joe Biden were holding classified materials that should have been secured safely in government buildings.

The story intrigues Richard Glenn from Anniesland, who wonders if the secretive Washington style of politics could be incorporated into the Scottish way of life.

Says Richard: “It would be exceedingly helpful if, the next time I return from the pub and my wife asks how many pints I’ve had, I could respond with authority: ‘I’d love to divulge that information. But I’m afraid it’s classified material.’”

Hubby’s hangups

“MY husband gets frustrated and tetchy every time he tries to arrange his shirts in the wardrobe,” says reader Heather Watson. “He clearly needs help with hangar management.”

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