Hot celebration

THE cost of living is a topic that is often discussed in Diary Towers, no doubt because the dire economic situation confronting the nation has forced our office manager into making certain painful pecuniary concessions.

For instance, the bottle of 12-year-old Macallan placed on every desk each morning – to lubricate Diary reporters’ calcified typing fingers, and ensure writer’s block doesn’t set in – is a thing of the past.

Nowadays we make do with cheap bathtub gin, which is so vile-tasting that a filthy street urchin must have been scrubbing-up in the bathtub while it was being distilled.

But enough of our financial woes, for reader Bob Burgess tells us of his chum, who is preparing to celebrate his 60th birthday.

“Anything special planned?” inquired Bob.

“Yes, indeed,” replied Bob’s chum. “I’m really splashing out this year. I’ll be putting the heating on in the house for the entire afternoon.”

Day for night

BURNS Night may be over, though Diary readers haven’t finished with it yet. Several of them get in touch to remark on a recent talkSPORT radio discussion between English broadcaster Laura Woods and Ally McCoist.

“What’s the difference between Burns Day and Burns Night?” asked Laura.

Ally thought about this for a moment, then gave the only possible answer.

“Eight hours,” he said.

Managesaurus?

DINOSAURS didn’t "rule the Earth" as is often claimed, points out reader Janet Muir.

“They just hung around on the planet,” she explains. “So stop giving them credit for management skills they almost certainly didn't possess.”

Ropey royal

A REGAL tale. Reader Jane Clarke was trying to discuss the upcoming coronation of King Charles with her husband. Hubby merely shook his head in a befuddled fashion, then said: “Since the Queen died I can’t process ‘King’ as a genuine title. I still think it means Billy Jean or Elvis.”

Cumming and goings

PERTHSHIRE actor Alan Cumming recently returned his OBE (Order of the British Empire) after suddenly realising the empire referred to did some things that weren’t very nice.

Reader William Phillips wonders if Alan was also confused by the initials, OBE.

“Perhaps,” muses William, “he though they stood for Outrageously Braw Entertainer.”

Read more from the Diary: Burns Night Supper that had an explosive start

Performance anxiety

THE consolations of growing older. Seventy-three-year-old reader Dan Bruce says: “I’m always relieved when someone’s delivering a eulogy, and I realise I don’t have the starring role in it.”

Dodgy denomination

QUIZ time. Reader Oliver Walker asks: “What do you call a cult that’s hard to get into? Difficult.”