Pudding patrol

COOKBOOK author Coinneach MacLeod, otherwise known as the Hebridean Baker, had the sort of encounter that could only happen at Stornoway Airport.

An airport official, spotting Coinneach’s bag, which had the name of a local butcher printed on it, inquired in a suspicious manner: “Is it just black puddings, or do you have a steak pie in there?”

Said Coinneach: “Just black puddings.”

“Oh, that’s fine,” said the airport official. “It’s just, steak pies now have to go in your hold luggage.”

Talking… balls?

THE shape of things to come… A mention of rugby balls in the Diary inspires reader Kenny Harrison to demand that this particular item of sporting paraphernalia be renamed immediately.

“It must be confusing for sports fans who are also students of geometry,” says Kenny. “From now on the curious-shaped object chucked by rugby players should be referred to as the rugby oval.”

Dead language

WE explained yesterday that humans are a kindly species. For it is human scientists who have created technology that will enable the extinct bird known as the dodo to be reborn. (Let’s gloss over the fact that humans made dodos extinct in the first place. We really couldn’t help ourselves. They were trusting little chaps, and ever so yummy.)

Reader Gillian Dewar is concerned that the dodo’s return will destabilise the fragile harmony of the English language.

“We’ll have to replace the phrase ‘dead as a dodo’ with something more appropriate,” she explains.

Her suggestion? “As dead as Nadhim Zahawi’s career.”

Ropey rope

MUNRO-BAGGER Chris Robertson from Cumbernauld was discussing equipment with a fellow mountaineer, who pointed out: “A good climbing rope lasts three years. A bad climbing rope lasts your entire life.”

Imperial impishness

THE ever-topical Diary is discussing the British Empire. (Forgotten what that was? Well, it was a widespread area of governance that existed some time between the disintegration of the Roman Empire and the rise of American hegemony, and it involved lots of ships, saluting, waxed moustaches and sunburnt viceroys.)

Our mention of Blighty’s dominions reminds Brian Logan from Langside of a school history lesson.

The teacher asked his class: “Why was Rhodesia so called?”

Replied the class wag: “Because it was freezing.”

Read more from the Diary: Darts on the telly? How about darts and the telly...

The name game

OBSERVANT Ken McLean from Bridge of Allan was amused to note that one of Lord Sugar’s Apprentice candidates this year describes herself as a Court Advocate.

Her name? Marnie Swindells.

Cereal killer

DAFT gag time. “What goes snap, crackle and squeak?” asks reader Derek Turner. “Mice crispies.”