WE mentioned a cunning schoolboy’s excuse for not completing homework. Margaret Forbes attends a French class at Alliance Francaise in Glasgow and didn’t complete work set for her.

She says: “When the teacher asked me a question, I told him – in French, of course – that I hadn’t had time to do the preparation for the lesson as I’d been too busy entertaining the mother of the Japanese footballer who plays for Celtic.”

(Not being a footy fan, she didn’t realise there was more than one Japanese Hoops hero.)

Says an exceedingly proud Margaret: “The teacher said, of all the excuses he’d been given for not doing homework, that was the best yet!”

Dead naming

WE’RE informed by reader David Donaldson that in Manchester there’s a firm of funeral directors called YOLO (You Only Leave Once).

“How would this go down with people who believe in reincarnation?” muses David. “Would they prefer to use the services of an undertaker called TTFN?”

Games people play

THE Diary is discussing the curious case of the Scottish professional footballers who participated in a game of ‘rock, paper, scissors’ on the pitch, in order to decide who should take a freekick.

“I’m so ashamed of our nation’s athletes,” admits reader Tony Thornton. “Couldn’t they have shown their mental acuity and sat down on the grass and played a game of chess to decide who took the kick?”

Petrol = pizzazz

FORGET the Brits and Oscars. Scottish music historian Eddie McKenzie reports on a glitzy occasion in that most glamorous of locations… a petrol station.

“Years ago I was filling my car with petrol,” says Eddie. “I glanced up and noticed the guy using the same pump at the other side was Billy Connolly.

“I must have registered this on my face, because he leant over and half-whispered conspiratorially, ‘Yes, it is. But don't tell anyone.’”

True love?

IT’S Valentine’s Day tomorrow. Which inspires reader Joe Middlemass to enquire what would be the worst reply to the sultry-sweet sentence: “I love you.”

Joe suggests: “Yes, yes, yes, sir. That’s all very well. But I still need you to walk a straight line and blow into this breathalyser.”

Gainful gluey employment

THOUGHT for the day from reader Paul Taylor: “Stamps are stickers with a job.”

Boxing clever

OUTRAGED reader Jennifer Ryan wants a refund on a winebox she bought. Says Jennifer: “Written on the side it says: ‘Once opened will last for six weeks.’ Well, it was empty after three days.”