Brought to book
For the first time since joining the SNP as an ambitious, argy-bargy teen, Nicola Sturgeon’s career is on a downward trajectory.
At least she doesn’t share the same fate as fellow nationalist William Wallace. When his career came to an abrupt halt so did his beating heart.
Nowadays doughty warriors get to hang up their sword and retire into irrelevancy and obscurity – though others prefer not to join the Lib Dems.
The late Labour grandee Denis Healey claimed it was best to have a hinterland to fade into, once you leave frontline politics.
So maybe Nic will spend more time with chums, and will soon be sharing pots of tea and plates of Tunnock’s teacakes with her old buddy, Alex Salmond.
Though perhaps not.
She does have a hobby, however, being a passionate reader.
Now she can truly immerse herself in the great works of literature: War and Peace, Ulysses, and, of course, the Herald Diary.
We hope Nic enjoys the following classic yarns from our archives. To ensure the reading experience is entirely pleasurable for her, we’ve included no tales about William Wallace’s death, Alex Salmond’s life or that pesky gender debate…
Micturition message
A RETIRED police officer recalled the troops’ toilet in Garscadden Police Office in the early 1970s. The redoubtable cleaner had placed directly above the toilet seat a notice which read: "I aim to please. You aim too, please. Betty."
Communication breakdown
A MILNGAVIE reader on a Glasgow bus realised that some folk live in a different world from him when he overheard a young chap tell his pal: “Ma phone was dead for two day as I’d lost the charger… everyone thought I was in jail.”
Milking it
STANDING in a queue in a Kilwinning bakery, a reader spotted a traffic warden who came in and took two cartons of milk from the chill cabinet.
“Have they run out of blood?” a chap in the queue asked.
Dead unlucky
Traffic wardens, continued. A reader told us the following gag…
As the coffin was lowered into the ground at a traffic warden’s funeral, a voice from inside could be heard shouting: “I’m not dead! Let me out!”
The minister replied: “Sorry, pal. I’ve already started the paperwork.”
Divine decoration
NICKNAMES. An Airdrie reader recalled the clerk of works on one building site who was never satisfied with the work of the painters, and would point at a finished wall and shout: “Repaint!”
He was known as the Evangelist.
Boxing clever
WE once heard a Glasgow chap declare: “Aye, it was rough where I was brought up. If you bought a telly you put the cardboard box in yer neighbour’s bin so that it was his hoose they robbed.”
Why are you making commenting on The Herald only available to subscribers?
It should have been a safe space for informed debate, somewhere for readers to discuss issues around the biggest stories of the day, but all too often the below the line comments on most websites have become bogged down by off-topic discussions and abuse.
heraldscotland.com is tackling this problem by allowing only subscribers to comment.
We are doing this to improve the experience for our loyal readers and we believe it will reduce the ability of trolls and troublemakers, who occasionally find their way onto our site, to abuse our journalists and readers. We also hope it will help the comments section fulfil its promise as a part of Scotland's conversation with itself.
We are lucky at The Herald. We are read by an informed, educated readership who can add their knowledge and insights to our stories.
That is invaluable.
We are making the subscriber-only change to support our valued readers, who tell us they don't want the site cluttered up with irrelevant comments, untruths and abuse.
In the past, the journalist’s job was to collect and distribute information to the audience. Technology means that readers can shape a discussion. We look forward to hearing from you on heraldscotland.com
Comments & Moderation
Readers’ comments: You are personally liable for the content of any comments you upload to this website, so please act responsibly. We do not pre-moderate or monitor readers’ comments appearing on our websites, but we do post-moderate in response to complaints we receive or otherwise when a potential problem comes to our attention. You can make a complaint by using the ‘report this post’ link . We may then apply our discretion under the user terms to amend or delete comments.
Post moderation is undertaken full-time 9am-6pm on weekdays, and on a part-time basis outwith those hours.
Read the rules here