Brought to book

For the first time since joining the SNP as an ambitious, argy-bargy teen, Nicola Sturgeon’s career is on a downward trajectory.

At least she doesn’t share the same fate as fellow nationalist William Wallace. When his career came to an abrupt halt so did his beating heart.

Nowadays doughty warriors get to hang up their sword and retire into irrelevancy and obscurity – though others prefer not to join the Lib Dems.

The late Labour grandee Denis Healey claimed it was best to have a hinterland to fade into, once you leave frontline politics.

So maybe Nic will spend more time with chums, and will soon be sharing pots of tea and plates of Tunnock’s teacakes with her old buddy, Alex Salmond.

Though perhaps not.

She does have a hobby, however, being a passionate reader.

Now she can truly immerse herself in the great works of literature: War and Peace, Ulysses, and, of course, the Herald Diary.

We hope Nic enjoys the following classic yarns from our archives. To ensure the reading experience is entirely pleasurable for her, we’ve included no tales about William Wallace’s death, Alex Salmond’s life or that pesky gender debate…

Micturition message

A RETIRED police officer recalled the troops’ toilet in Garscadden Police Office in the early 1970s. The redoubtable cleaner had placed directly above the toilet seat a notice which read: "I aim to please. You aim too, please. Betty."

Communication breakdown

A MILNGAVIE reader on a Glasgow bus realised that some folk live in a different world from him when he overheard a young chap tell his pal: “Ma phone was dead for two day as I’d lost the charger… everyone thought I was in jail.”

Milking it

STANDING in a queue in a Kilwinning bakery, a reader spotted a traffic warden who came in and took two cartons of milk from the chill cabinet.

“Have they run out of blood?” a chap in the queue asked.

Dead unlucky

Traffic wardens, continued. A reader told us the following gag…

As the coffin was lowered into the ground at a traffic warden’s funeral, a voice from inside could be heard shouting: “I’m not dead! Let me out!”

The minister replied: “Sorry, pal. I’ve already started the paperwork.”

Divine decoration

NICKNAMES. An Airdrie reader recalled the clerk of works on one building site who was never satisfied with the work of the painters, and would point at a finished wall and shout: “Repaint!”

He was known as the Evangelist.

Boxing clever

WE once heard a Glasgow chap declare: “Aye, it was rough where I was brought up. If you bought a telly you put the cardboard box in yer neighbour’s bin so that it was his hoose they robbed.”

Read more: So is Glasgow the dear gloomy place?