Bookishly bland

A STRAMASH has broken out in the world of publishing after it was revealed that the works of the late children’s author Roald Dahl have been rewritten to fit in with modern society’s mores.

The Diary believes that a great work of fiction is sacred and shouldn’t be tinkered with as though it was a Nissan Micra with a kaput engine.

So dabbing with Dahl is not to be countenanced.

Unless it’s the Diary doing the dabbling, that is. For we’ve just recalled that we once held a competition to devise modern versions of Dahl’s books, which would satisfy today’s readers.

One suggestion was to replace Charlie and the Chocolate Factory with Charlie and the Gluten-Free Vegan Buffet.

Cutting comment

AS part of the city’s budget for the coming year, Glasgow Life announced a series of drastic cutbacks.

“If things go on on like this,” says reader David Donaldson, “they'll have to change their name to Glasgow Lifeless.”

Riotous behaviour

WE’RE discussing Scotland’s most famous bed & breakfast for bad yins… Barlinnie Prison. Comedy legend Andy Cameron performed a show for the inmates in the 1980s.

“A trustee was serving tea afterwards,” recalls Andy, “and he declared he wanted a transfer to ‘Peterheid’, which was experiencing riots at the time, explaining: ‘They don’t know they’re lucky… three square meals a day, and a roof under yer feet.’”

Bathtime badinage

ROMANCE is alive and well in Scotland, it seems. Reader Rod Oldham was in a bar standing next to an elderly, exceedingly wrinkly chap who was doing his best to woo a much younger female.

Alas, the lady was having none of his charm, and said to the crinkly Casanova: “You look just like my big toe after I’ve been in the bath for an hour.”

Money matters

THE ever-practical Diary is ascertaining what is the best way to find a needle in a haystack. Reader Fergus Owen joins the debate, and says: “If I lost a needle in a haystack I’d just buy a new one, because, financially speaking, I’m doing all right.”

Foppish food

ON a bus into Glasgow’s East End, reader Jenny Thornton heard a woman who was nibbing a sandwich say to her pal: “Y’know, eating a Marks & Sparks sarny makes me feel really posh.”

“Aye,” agreed the pal, “that’s definitely the upper crust yer munchin’ oan.”

In the drink

“I HAD a row with my boss recently,” says reader Lorraine McDonnell. “That’s one of the perks of working next to a boating pond.”

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