Latin for louts

IN matters of high-falutin culture, the Diary stands head and shoulders above all rival news-gathering operations.

Our mastery of ancient languages is equal to that of Boris Johnson (while our mastery of a hairbrush far exceeds even his talents).

Occasionally we celebrate the richness of our scholarship by dipping a dignified toe into the Latin lingo spoken by that bold warrior and salad aficionado, Julius Caesar.

Brian Logan from Langsidinium – as Langside was known to ancient civilisations – was tutored in Latin in the 1960s, by Mr Muir of Cranhill Secondary.

“I learned to conjugate the verb to love: amo, amas, amat,” says Brian. “I seem to remember that amabam meant 'I love bashing people'.”

Thistle do nicely

SITTING bolt upright, reader Tom Law was dumbfounded when his Partick Thistle-supporting wife informed him there was an article in The Herald about the Jags, followed by the words… won four nine.

“Sounded like the kind of comment you hear in the boozer on a Saturday after a game,” says Tom.

Alas, he soon learned the prosaic truth. The Pride o’ Partick hadn’t won a slam-bam game. Instead, a company named One Four Nine had bought one of Thistle’s sponsors.

“And… relax,” says Tom.

Moolah = Morality

DEVILISHLY good advice from reader Duncan Smith: “If you happen to be studying philosophy, and you’re failing your Ethics course, try slipping a tenner in your lecturer’s hand.”

Lowdown on love

WE’RE discussing charmless chat-up lines. When he was at uni, reader Cliff Douglas asked out a fellow student.

And her romantic response?

“I’d have to be at a low point in my life to go out with you,” she sniffed, adding a tad more congenially, “luckily for you, I am.”

Past no blast

HISTORY teacher Paula Haggerty had to deal with a surly youth in her class who bridled at the very notion of doing any work, pointing out: “History has already happened. There’s no point dwelling on it.”

Zinger from Zing

SNP leadership candidate Kate Forbes is struggling to get her message across, for she keeps having to defend her traditional religious beliefs.

She certainly isn’t impressing Zing Tsjeng, editor-in-chief of Vice UK website, who snipes: “Kate Forbes has the vibe of those Christian students at uni who give you free toasties on a night out but stands there judging while you eat them drunk.”

Perfect ten?

“NINETY-FIVE percent of people are incredibly thick,” points out reader Kirsty Hodges. “Luckily I’m part of the other ten percent.”

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