Motor(cycle) mouth

WE’RE celebrating great responses to hecklers. Comedy legend Andy Cameron says the best he ever heard was delivered one night in darkest Ayrshire by Scottish comedian Robert Abraham, otherwise known as Mr Abie.

Says Andy: “After a few insults were thrown Abie’s way he stopped, pointed at the heckler, and floored him by saying: ‘Whit a mooth you’ve got, pal. It would take Evel Knievel two jumps tae get across that’.”

Chuckles Andy: “It was a perfect way to ensure the silence of the bams.”

Meteorological muddle

A SHEEPISH reader recently admitted that he thought a TV weatherman had warned of the arrival of an Apache Fog, which was threatening to engulf parts of Scotland. The prosaic truth was that it had nothing to do with a proud Native American tribe – it was merely "a patchy fog".

David Graham from Carnwath believes there might be some truth in the initial meteorological diagnosis, explaining that it’s probably the sort of mist that arrives during an Indian summer.

Bargain-basement Bond

THE 007 novels are being re-released with numerous changes because the publisher believes the original stories are outdated. The ever-helpful Diary is devising new titles for the books to ensure they’re in tune with modern sensibilities.

Gordon Casely suggests that in these financially-strapped times Bond will need to find a new paymaster to fund his daring exploits.

Thus one of the novels should be titled: On The Cooncil’s Secret Service.

Food glorious food

SHORTAGES in fresh edibles are proving to be very frustrating for our readers, with certain categories of fruit and veg almost impossible to unearth in the supermarket.

It leads Diane Payne from Mount Florida to say: “Fine dining used to involve quaffing champagne and nibbling caviar. Now the rarest of dining delicacies are tomato juice and turnip soup.”

The Latin quarter

OUR scholarly readers continue to salute a certain ancient language. The grandfather of David Baird from Peebles was of a mathematical disposition, leading him to devise a deliberately muddled translation of Julius Caesar’s famous line, "Omnia Gallia in tres partes est", which granddad claimed meant: "All Gaul is halved into three quarters."

The illustrated man

A COLOURFUL Diary description of a chap with a multitude of tattoos inspires former Labour MP Sir Brian Donohoe to offer up his own description of such a fellow, who he says should be referred to as displaying more ink than King Charles’s leaky pen.

Flight of fancy

AERONAUTICALLY-MINDED reader Hilary Russell points out: “A paper airplane that can’t fly is stationary.”

Read more from the Diary: Is the BBC under starter's orders?