Hanging on

GETTING in touch with a government department is breathtakingly easy… if you have limitless time on your hands and the patience of a saint.

Radio Clyde DJ Amber Zoe, alas, was in possession of neither of those qualities when she found herself dangling precipitously on one end of a telephone, on hold to HMRC, and wondering what is the longest time anyone has been left waiting in such circumstances to hear a human voice.

“Surely after 45 minutes you give up?” she mused in a miffed sort of way. “Or do you keep going, just in case..?”

Thankfully Amber wasn’t kept in telephonic limbo for an entire hour.

“So cute!” she trills. “After 50 minutes, got a wee voice saying ‘Thanks for calling, goodbye,’ and the line hung up.”

Windy witterings

WE’RE blown away by this comment from reader Sally Anderson, who says: “With enough wind, anything and everything can be a kite.”

Cutting comment

FOR the edification of the nation we have been translating classic Latin phrases. Finlay Buchanan from Edinburgh believes the Diary should now drag our readers kicking and screaming into the 21st century by analysing modern languages.

He commences this process by telling us of an old school chum who thought that a coup de grace was the French word for a lawnmower.

Pole position

SOCIAL media is useful for footy fans who can’t make it to a game. This week the Partick Thistle Twitter site diligently reported live updates of their team’s match against Dundee.

Early on came this informative tweet: “Straight from kick-off it goes to the left and TIFFONEY takes it in on his own before slotting it low past the keeper.”

This statement was soon followed by a retraction, along with a sheepish explanation for the initial error.

“CORRECTION,” apologised Thistle Twitter. “Goal scored by HARRY MILNE. Sorry, there was a big pole in the way.”

Thinking about drinking

ONCE again the Diary proves itself to be fearless when confronting the rumbling controversies of our modern era.

For John Cochrane gets in touch to say: “Maybe it's just me, but does café au lait not sound a bit Spanish?”

Negativity negated

WE continue updating the James Bond novels to ensure they’re suitability for modern readers. David Carroll suggests that a more positive outlook would be less triggering for sensitive youngsters, thus a classic 007 novel should be renamed Dr Yes.

Fowl play

A CLASSIC joke updated. “Why did the chicken click the PowerPoint presentation?” asks Claire Preston. “To get to the other slide.”

Read more from the Diary: RGoing full-throttle for the hecklers