Fat chance

It was World Obesity Day on Saturday, which didn’t hinder the hubby of reader Kate Armstrong from dragging her into his favourite greasy spoon café in Glasgow’s East End, where he proceeded to order a fry-up of gargantuan proportions, which included hefty amounts of deceased hog, arriving in the guise of streaky bacon and sizzling sausage.

Kate scrutinised the plate for optimistic signs of sprightly foliage, but not a lettuce leaf could she identify.

“Is that the best you can do on World Obesity Day?” scoffed Kate to her scoffing husband.

In between manic munches he replied: “Maybe I’ve got it all wrong. I thought it was a celebration of obesity – not a critique.”

Relatively unusual

THE teenage daughter of reader Roberta Houston has a good relationship with her grandmother, often contacting her on the phone.

The other day Roberta caught her daughter texting late in the evening.

“I hope that’s not grandma you’re messaging at this time of night,” said Roberta.

“Course not,” replied her daughter. “I’m texting normal people.”

Bru who?

A WHILE ago reader Christopher Robertson was on a jolly in New York with pals. One member of the posse didn’t want to start on the hard stuff straight away, so in the first boozer he ordered Irn-Bru.

The New York barman responded with a quizzical look, a shake of the head and a shrug of the shoulders.

“This guy doesn’t know what I’m talking about,” muttered our reader’s chum. “Are you sure they speak English in this town?”

Read more from the Diary: Tales of fare play and fair play

Angling on easy

AMUSING musical musings from reader Colin Brown, who asks: “How many musical instruments do you have to be rubbish at before you settle on the triangle?”

Water palaver

WE continue updating the James Bond novels, making them more palatable for modern sensibilities. Keith Sullivan argues that The Man With The Golden Gun doesn’t accurately represent our era of relentless defence cuts, where state-of-the-art military technology is impossible to procure.

He suggests the book should be released with the more realistic title… The Man With The Tin-Plated Water-Pistol.

Brought to book

BIBLIOPHILE Walter Sheppard was in the Sauchiehall Street branch of Waterstones when he spotted an elderly lady straying into the store.

Initially mildly intrigued, her features rapidly crumbled into a landslide of disappointment as she hissed in disgust: “Books!”

She then retreated into the relative safety of Sauchiehall Street, where less hideous merchandise awaited her.

Inflated info

PROUD reader Oliver Wilkie tells us: “My ability to make hyperbolic statements is utterly, utterly amazing.”

Read more from the Diary: Is the BBC under starter's orders?