Titan of Twitter
GARY Lineker had a harsh start in life. Born in Leicester, he must have quickly realised there was scant chance of playing for the Scottish national football team, so had to settle for the striker role with a bunch of blokes in drab white T-shirts.
Worse was to come. In his mid-thirties he wasn’t allowed to enjoy his well-earned retirement from kicking a ball around a field.
Instead, for a piddling million-and-a-bit pounds, he took an exhausting role sitting on a comfy chair in a TV studio, watching other people kick a ball around a field.
But what Gary yearned to be was a philosopher… a statesman… an admired member of the intelligentsia…
Each of those roles he has now ascended to, by bashing out a few casual sentences about politics on social media.
In our egalitarian age anyone can rise to greatness by using 280 characters or less on Twitter to solve complex issues that have vexed humanity for centuries.
But could Gary contribute an entertaining Diary yarn?
Doubtful.
As the following classic tales from our archives prove, you have to be a genuine genius to join our gang…
Stropping while shopping
A CHAP was in a 10 items or fewer supermarket queue and spotted a woman further up the queue with a full trolley groaning with groceries.
None of the other shoppers complained, but this fellow’s blood pressure was rising. The cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the trolley and asked sweetly: “So which 10 items would you like to buy?”
Our chap’s blood pressure was instantly restored to normal.
Boxing clever
IT’S a shame our voting booths don’t have curtains like in some American states. We remember one American comic who claimed his voting tradition was “Enter booth. Pull curtain. Remove trousers. Wait 10 seconds. Then lean out and say, ‘Do you have these in a 34?’”
You’ve got mail
THE trays on office desks for incoming and outcoming letters are often a source of amusement. A Crieff reader had a colleague who had two mail trays on either side of his desk. One read "Ta" and the other "Ta-ta".
Misspent youth
“I DON’T like to think,” declared a student on Byres Road, “about all the time I’ve wasted on Twitter which I could have spent watching television.”
Misspent youth, too
A READER told us about a fellow mother at the school gate who shook her head and declared: “My daughter’s 11, and has an iPhone. When I was 11, I was happy with a Cabbage Patch doll.”
Games people play
“I’VE been on the go since first thing this morning,” said a chap in a Glasgow pub, who added: “I really am a terrible Monopoly player.”
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