Cinematic story-telling

THE Chancellor’s Budget was earlier this week.

It was an opportunity for the Government to confidently boast that the country will very probably remain solvent for another 12 months, at least. Meaning there’s no need, just yet, to change the lyrics of the National Anthem from Rule Britannia to Gruel Britannia.

Does this mean the bumpy financial ride is over? Can the nation go back to spending recklessly, like once we did, doling out dollops of dosh on pizza deliveries and fun outings to the cinema?

Possibly.

Though the failure of Silicon Valley Bank in the States may be a warning that we should, at the very least, be saving some of our pennies by cutting back on pricey pizza toppings.

And who really needs movie night? As the following classic tales from our archives prove, the Diary always gives you widescreen entertainment, with thrills, spills and chills aplenty.

Though you’ll have to supply your own hotdog…

Daughter dilemma

A READER was using the internet to read reviews of kettles before going out to buy one. She was reminded of the importance of grammar and punctuation when she read one review which stated: “Within two years both my daughters and my kettle started leaking around the bottom seal so they had to be disposed of.”

Enough, already

SOMEONE who, perhaps, missed the point was the flustered chap seen by a reader in an Argyll café who ordered a vast range of snacks and drinks for his family sitting at a table behind him.

The girl serving him asked: “Do you want a tray?” but he replied: “Do you not think I’ve got enough to carry?”

Posh patter

“I HAD a friend’s wee boy over for dinner,” said a reader, “and I served melon as a first course. The little lad asked if I had any ginger. ‘Irn-Bru or Coke?’ I inquired. He just looked at me and said: ‘Cinnamon will do if you don’t have any’.”

Murky money matters

COURT in the act. A Glasgow reader was a jury member. “After the four-day trial we had found the defendant guilty by a unanimous decision,” he recalled. “As we met for the last time and said goodbye to one another, I always remember one juror saying: ‘Cheerio, then. I’m just away to fiddle my expenses’.”

Sobering admission

CATCHING the bus into Glasgow, a reader heard a young chap say to a pal he met: “You look rough. Did you have one of your famous drunken nights?”

“No,” replied the pal. “Sadly it was one of my not-so-famous sober nights.”

Wacky word

THINGS you didn’t know… An Edinburgh tram conductor once explained to a reader that the people who hang around, tram-spotting, are known as tram-oraks.

Get The Herald for three months for £1 with our new subscription offer