Comical clippie

THE Diary was sad to hear of the death of Paul O’Grady, the comedian, actor and TV presenter, who always enjoyed performing in Scotland, and had only recently starred in the musical Annie at Edinburgh Playhouse.

Paul appeared as himself in later years, though he was first known to audiences as Lily Savage, his feisty and fabulous drag act persona.

Lily was based on O’Grady’s Auntie Chris, a clippie on the buses.

When Paul was little, she told him: “Some fella shoved something down my bra today and said have a drink on me.”

“What was it?” asked Paul.

“A teabag,” said Auntie Chris.


Armless joke?

AN educational conversation between a wise elder of the tribe and an inquisitive youth.

Reader Jennifer McKean was having lunch in a restaurant with her husband and grandson.

The grandson, who ordered chicken wings, asked what happened to the rest of the chicken once it lost its wings.

Jennifer’s husband, who has a dark sense of humour, replied: “The chicken goes on to live a long and fulfilling life, though any ambitions she has to work as a professional juggler or darts player are pretty much kaput.”

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Mugging her off

IN a coffee shop, reader James Miller overheard a less than chivalrous teenager in school uniform talking to a pal. He was recalling a conversation he had recently had with his girlfriend.

Said this lad: “She thought I was calling her a mutt the whole time.

“I said: ‘No, no, no. A mug. Like you drink coffee out of.’

“So she said: ‘Oh. Well, that’s all right then.’”


Read more: Why the Tartan Army was on the boos


Picky plant

THE mother of reader Chris Robertson is antagonised by flies continuously getting into her kitchen.

Chris decided to solve the problem creatively by buying mum a Venus flytrap plant.

A week later he enquired if Venus had vanquished the buzzing pests.

“It hasn’t eaten a single fly,” sighed mum. “Just my luck to get the world’s only vegan Venus flytrap.”


Bartender rules, okay?

VISITING a Shawlands boozer, reader Ken Bennet spotted a sign next to the bar that filled him with awe and reverence.

It read:

Rule 1: The bartender is always right.

Rule 2: If bartender is wrong… see Rule 1.


Footering about

OUTRAGED reader Darren Price says: “The moment shoes were invented there was no further need to wear matching socks. Yet we continue with this pointless charade… why?!”


One stop shop

“ALL shops are actually stationary shops,” points out reader Maggie Archer. “But only some of them sell pens.”