Doubloons? Doubtful

EASTER is a time when our profoundly spiritual nation bows down in supplication to a range of chocolate eggs.

There’s more to it than that, of course, with some devotees opting to worship choccy bunnies, instead.

The Diary admits that it is also rather partial to confectionery of the egg-shaped variety. It’s always a thrill to crack open the eggshell to discover what exotic gift lurks inside.

Will it be a small sack of genuine gold doubloons? Plane tickets to Mauritius? A miniature copy of Lord Byron’s scandalous autobiography, previously believed condemned to the flames by his publisher?

Nah. It’s a dinky Toblerone. (Or a Mars Bar, if you’re really lucky.)

Ach, well. Perhaps next year…

Unlike the innards of a chocolate egg, the Diary never disappoints its faithful followers.

As the following classic tales from our archives prove, we always have a range of egg-citing tales to tell…

 

Cop that

JOKES are regularly updated to express how technology is changing our lives. As a reader once said: “I was stopped by the police driving home from the pub the other night.

‘Do you know why I was following you?’ one of the officers asked me.

‘Because my tweets are funny?’ I asked hopefully…”

 

Phoney phone fumbling

A CHAP in a Glasgow pub announced to his pals that he had downloaded the Lockwatch app on his mobile phone, which discreetly takes a picture of anyone who tries to use the phone and types in the wrong password.

“I’ve now got eight pictures of me when I’m drunk,” he added.

 

Read more: Unusual train of thought about strange station finds

 

Spelling it out

MOBILE phones continued. A woman glanced at her phone and announced to her pals: “My husband has texted me to say I was very condescending to him this morning.

“To be honest, I’m surprised he can spell it.”

 

Card-carrying eejit

EDINBURGH-BASED  comedian Ben Verth told us that he spotted a reddish-looking young man at a supermarket checkout in the capital being asked by the automatic self-service machine: “Have you swiped your Nectar car?”

The young man defensively replied out loud: “Naw, I got it legally.”

 

Paint it black

FALKIRK police once used social media to publish the statement: ‘A wall in Kinneil Drive, Bo’ness, was damaged at weekend. Black spray paint used to graffiti it. Words ‘MOLLY’ and ‘FIONA’. Who did this?’

Inevitably someone replied: ‘Just a hunch. But you should maybe concentrate on looking for two women called Molly and Fiona.’

 

Puzzling directions

A FORMER Glasgow tour guide told us of a line often used by a colleague, who would say: “Up there is Glasgow Necropolis, where the inventor of the crossword is buried.

“You’ll have no trouble finding his grave – it’s four rows across and six down.”