Testing times

WE’RE discussing the looming arrival of school exams, when pupils from across the nation will be forced to sit in hushed rooms, scribbling frantically on scraps of paper, without once being allowed to glance at their favourite TikTok videos, or snap a cheeky selfie with their iPhones.

Will the sensorially-deprived teens survive such a traumatic ordeal? The Diary prays that they do; though the mental scars will undoubtedly last a lifetime.

Meanwhile, reader Jim Burroughs has some helpful advice for the young scholars. “During exams,” says Jim, “students should look up for inspiration, down in desperation, and left and right for information.”

Boozy badinage

YET again the Diary staggers into a welcoming Glasgow hostelry to indulge in some drunken ramblings from the puggled and perplexed patrons of Publand.

Philip Randall was visiting a city centre watering hole when he overheard one chap say to his pal: “Someone once advised me to ‘Go for broke.’ Well, what can I say? I succeeded.”

Tanking exercise regime

WHEN we’re not in the boozer, the Diary has been spending quality time in the gym. And when we say "quality time", we of course mean wheezing, sweating and piteously begging for mercy, or at the very least an oxygen tank.

Meanwhile reader Belinda Ellsworth has her own personal philosophy regarding exercise. She says: “Does refusing to go to the gym count as resistance training?”

Job jabber

OBSERVANT reader Robert Menzies notes that consultancy firm WS Atkins are looking to employ a "senior engagement consultant".

“I’m not entirely sure what that is,” admits Robert, “though I’m assuming they want a candidate who will eventually become wedded to the job.”

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Horsing around

A CULINARY yarn in the Diary reminds David Donaldson of his mother, who would invariably refer to hors d'oeuvres as horses' doofers.

(What the doofer of a horse is, we are not entirely sure. Though it does sound exceedingly yummy.)

Baddies and books

FOR a reason we can’t quite remember, we are currently improving famous movies by replacing a word in the title with the word "library".

Barry Hayden from Cowdenbeath would very much like to see an action-packed cinematic extravaganza about mean varmints, six shooters and overdue library books. (That most heinous of crimes.)

The film would, of course, be titled The Good, The Bad and The Library.

Talking rubbish

A FASCINATING fact from reader Chris Moynihan, who informs us: “If you spell the words “Absolutely Nothing” backwards, you get ‘Gnihton Yletulosba’, which ironically means... absolutely nothing.”