Car-tastrophic error

A DIARY yarn about confusion in a shop reminds Christine Smillie of being a teenager, when she and her sister worked together in the local cafe. 

At one point Christine overheard her sister tell a customer to "ask in the garage next door”.

Curious to know what the problem might be, Christine had a word with her sibling, who explained that the gentleman was looking for “handles for cars”.

Says Christine: “Luckily I was able to source from within the cafe’s vast stock the customer’s usual order… Handelsgold cigars.”


Sinister silence

MANY people’s phones emitted a screeching noise at 3pm on Sunday, as the Government tested its emergency alert.

This being a Government initiative, it didn’t go entirely to plan, with some phones remaining petulantly silent.

Reader Tony Murdoch was on a Glasgow train when his phone blared, right on schedule. As did the phone of the lady opposite him. Though the phone of the woman’s husband made no noise.

“What does it mean?” inquired this worried chap of his wife.

“It means in an emergency your phone is happy to let you take your chances without any help,” replied the wife, who added smugly: “I can’t say I blame it.”

📖 Sign up for the Herald Diary newsletter and get the sublime and the ridiculous sent directly to your inbox every day.

👉 Click here to sign up

Dame fine performer

THE Diary was sad to hear of the death of Barry Humphries, the antipodean comedian and close confidant of fellow celebrity, Dame Edna Everage.

Reader Fred Crawford was a huge fan, and watched Barry perform several times.

Says Fred: “Because of the involvement of a strong Australian accent, I thought for years that the glorious dignitary’s full title was Dame Edna Average. Silly me. There was nothing average about Edna.”


Pasta no fasta

SHOPPING the other day, reader Jim Morrison bought a tin of Tesco’s Short Cut Spaghetti. “But it took me just as long to go round the supermarket,” adds a disgruntled Jim.


Bang-bang book-book

WE continue improving classic flicks by adding the word library to their titles.

Robin Mather from Musselburgh would like to see a movie which is set in two of the world’s most incendiary book depositories.

This blockbuster extravaganza would, of course, be titled… Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Libraries.


Ringing off

MATRIMONIAL musings from reader Mary Watts, who points out: “Wedding rings are the 'Do Not Disturb' sign of the dating world.”


High anxiety

INFURIATED reader Gordon West says: “I wish people would stop going on about their phobias. I mean, I'm scared of heights, but I don't shout about it from the rooftops.”