Din-din disaster

LEGENDARY comedian Andy Cameron informs us that he has a cousin who shares the same magnificent moniker as the editor of this column.

“But being a big Bluenose,” adds Andy, “and having suffered this past season of despair, he’s been rechristened Forlorne.”

While he’s chatting, Andy also regales us with the tale of a Glasgow chap in a London hotel, who was presented by a waiter with a bowl of something unidentifiable.

“Whit’s this, son?” he enquired of the waiter.

“It’s bean soup, sir,” said the server.

“Ah don’t want tae know whit it’s been, son,” came the reply, “ah want tae know whit it is noo.”

Taking the P

THE joie de vivre that comes with spring has made our readers giddy with optimism. Which is why we’re discussing the inevitable destruction of the planet.

Ian Morrice was once visiting a hostelry in Lochgilphead. There was a notice in the gents’ toilet which read: "In the event of a nuclear attack hide under the urinal – no-one ever hits it.’

Go West

A PAL of reader Angus Hunter returned from a trip to the States, and was complaining about driving practices across the pond.

In America, of course, cars are often automatic, and don’t have a stick shift – or gear stick, as it’s called in Blighty.

This outraged Angus’s pal, who claimed that Americans aren’t proper roadsters.

“British driving is complex and poetic,” he explained. “It’s like fly-fishing for a juicy salmon. Whereas American driving is like trudging down to Asda to pick up a tin of John West.”

Cheeky chappie

EXASPERATED Paula Hardy from Dundee admits her husband is often rude to strangers. The couple were holidaying in Spain and got chatting to an English bloke at the hotel pool.

“So you’re from Scotland,” noticed this observant fellow. “Which part?”

“All of me,” replied Paula’s hubby.

📖 Sign up to the Herald Diary newsletter and get the sublime and the ridiculous sent directly to your inbox every day.

👉 Click here to sign up

Criminal behaviour

MORE marital malarkey. The wife of reader Graham Anderson is a crime fiction obsessive, and was recently placing her Rebus novels in the bookcase, in her order of preference.

Which led Graham to say: “So you’re rankin’ your Rankin?”

Heading for disaster?

WE’RE discussing the coronation of King Charles. Reader Christopher Robertson says his anti-monarchist dad would always opine: “A crown on a tooth is just about acceptable, but not on a head.”

Biblical badinage

MULLING over the mystical roots of the human race, reader Yvonne Wilson points out: “Adam and Eve were the first people to ignore the Apple terms and conditions.”