Counting on success

OUR readers may have noticed a curious lack of youngsters congregating in the streets of our towns and cities.

Is this because, like stick insects, lizards and certain species of deep sea crustacean, our teens have mastered the art of camouflage, and are now disguising themselves as lampposts, bollards and lumps of chewing gum squished into the pavement?

Nothing so advanced.

Teens have gone missing because they’re at home, or in school, diligently studying for exams.

This week was the Maths Higher, and the son of reader Helen Ferguson was given excellent advice from his teacher, who told the class a few days before the exam: “Remember, guys. Panic. But panic calmly.”

Amusing milky musings

THE Coronation fast approaches, reminding Malcolm Boyd from Milngavie of the castle which had three milk bottles outside its drawbridge.

Two bottles were full and one was empty.

“And what was the name of the king in the castle?” asks Malcolm.

The answer is, of course… Philip the Third.

Not his bag(pipe)

AN English chum of reader Nigel Shipley came to Glasgow for a visit, and the two pals were strolling along Buchanan Street when they came upon a busker playing the bagpipes.

Nigel’s southern comrade was clearly not used to hearing the mellifluous squeaking, squelching and squawking noises that can be coaxed from the pipes by a dexterous musician.

But he was very appreciative, for scrunching up his face, he said: “If toothache could be adapted into a sonata, it would sound like this.”

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A fishy tale

A FRIEND of Russell Smith from Largs was extolling the delights of the fish and chips served in a local restaurant.

This gourmand, who clearly has a gift for the gab, reported with relish that “the fish was so fresh it kicked the chips off the plate.”

Mo’s momentous moment

THE sacrilegious scribes who work on the Diary published some biblical badinage recently, which inspires Gordon McRae to inform us that the first person to drive a motor vehicle is mentioned in the Good Book.

Explains Gordon: “It’s clearly recorded in the Bible that Moses came down the mountain in his Triumph.”

Hero to zero

THERE’S a terrifying report of "super rats" arriving in the UK. Says reader Leslie Smith: “I always thought a super rat was just Clark Kent if he cheats on Lois Lane.”

Slippery singalong

WATERY witterings from reader Kristen Farrell, who says: “If you get shampoo in your mouth while singing in the shower, it becomes a soap opera.”