Up in smoke

THE son of Deedee Cuddihy is based in Brussels, though he’s back in Glasgow visiting mum and dad, and took his wife and weans to Rothesay on Monday.

Alas, he didn’t factor in the bank holiday, and texted Deedee to say that, unfortunately, as well as the rain belting down, everything on the Isle of Bute was shut, including the famed Victorian toilets.

Then a follow-up text arrived: "Correction: everything is shut – apart from the vape shop." 

(We’re sure the kids had oodles of fun, there…)   

Worldly wise

WITH the Higher exams proving a headache for teens across the land, the Diary is listing useful advice to offer young scholars.

Debbie Meehan says: “I used to try to reassure my pupils before their Higher Maths that whatever happened, it wouldn’t be the end of the world. Unless it was actually the end of the world, and then who cares about a Higher Maths grade?”

Home improvement

SAFETY is paramount, says reader Isla Lycette, who adds: “I spent a lot of time, money and effort childproofing my house. Unfortunately my kids still managed to get back in.”

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Water palaver

WE mentioned that in the lavatories of Raith Rovers FC there hangs a selection of unusual posters, purporting to be public information announcements printed by "Raith Town Council".

One poster has a firm message for locals, announcing a hosepipe ban in the area.

It reads: “Possession of a functional hosepipe during the town emergency situation (details classified) could lead to a fine of up to £35 and seventy years in jail. DON’T RISK IT. Surrender your hosepipe anonymously at the post office where it can be safely destroyed.”

They certainly don’t mess around at Raith Town Council.

Harsh but fair, concludes the Diary.

Water palaver, too

THERE are many complex and profound debates taking place across the country. Heated conversations about tamping down inflation; the climate emergency; and the future role of the monarchy.

Though none of these thorny issues is anywhere near as important as a certain conundrum that Malcolm Boyd from Milngavie is mulling over. Namely, the amount of water to be added to whisky.

Says Malcolm: “Whenever a friend of mine, who came from Islay, was asked if he wanted water added to his glass of malt whisky, he would always reply, ‘Only if there is room…’”

Criminal behaviour

“I spotted a robber breaking into his own house,” reports reader Steven Hammond. “Is there anybody left who doesn’t work from home these days?”