Mouthing off

A DIARY mention of one of Scotland’s most inspiring athletes, the late Jocky Wilson, reminds Gordon Fisher from Stewarton of an occasion when the darting icon was sharing a hotel room with a pal from the circuit, Bobby George.

“After a night at the oche, and copious pints at the bar, the dynamic darting duo were tucked up in their beds sleeping (it off),” says Gordon.

Bobby suddenly awoke, recalling he had an early morning media appointment, and was attempting to silently wash and dress when he heard Jocky grumbling: "Whit are you up tae? Ahm trying tae sleep here."

Bobby apologised, and said: "Sorry, I was trying to find my toothpaste. Can I borrow yours?"

The dentally challenged Jocky grinned gummily, then said something exceedingly rude to Bobby, and promptly fell back asleep.

The wheel deal

QUESTION of the day comes from Iain Macdonald from Oban, who demands to know: “Why do computer-operated driverless cars have  steering wheels?”

The Diary, alas, is unable to provide an answer to this conundrum. We can only add to the mystery by wondering if it should even be called a steering wheel.

Wouldn’t a far better name be a "just sitting there doing nothing wheel"?

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Piggy puzzle

SHOPPING in the Marks and Spencer food hall in Argyle Street, author Deedee Cuddihy asked a young chap who was stocking shelves if the store had any gammon joints.

The assistant became contemplative and seemed profoundly puzzled, much like a flesh and blood embodiment of Rodin’s Thinker.

Then, finally, he said: "Eh… Is that meat?"

“To be fair,” says a charitable Deedee, “he had been filling the vegetable shelves when I interrupted him.”

Willing recipient

A FEW days ago Terry Haggerty from Pumpherston visited his elderly father, who was clearly in a charitable frame of mind. For he said to Terry: “You know, I’m a firm believer in reincarnation. So in my will I’ve decided to  leave everything to myself.”

Meet the parent

ELDERLY thespian Robert De Niro, who will be an octogenarian in a few months, has revealed he recently became a father for the seventh time.

Perhaps a tad uncharitably, reader Gillian Watson says: “If he’s determined to keep having kids, eventually there’ll be an open struggle over who gets his nappy changed first – baby or Bob.”

Lopped letter

EXCELLENT advice from reader Kathleen Helman, who says: “If anyone  ever asks you to name a country without an R in it, just reply: ‘No way’.”