Liver-pool of talent

THE Eurovision Song Contest, which is held this evening in Liverpool, is a showcase for bright new musical talent, and has introduced many of the world’s most unforgettable performers, such as ABBA.

There was also, of course, ABBA. And who can forget ABBA?

Okay, on further consideration, the event hasn’t heralded the arrival of many major artists, though the Diary does have a soft spot for Bucks Fizz, who regrettably have now Bucks Fizzled Out.

In previous years the competition did provide a stage for more established stars, including Lulu, who won the sing-a-long shindig in 1969 with her sad lament about stumbling down a flight of stairs in a Dennistoun tenement – Boom Bang-a-Bang.

The Diary prides itself on being closely aligned to Eurovision – we’re both understated, tasteful and deeply profound – as you’ll discover while reading the following classic tales from our archives.

So brace yourselves, folks. Time to face the music…


Big Easy banter

A VOYAGING Diary reader found himself in New Orleans. Strolling down Decatur Street, he passed a boy of about eight, tap-dancing, who called out: “Hey, mister. Betcha a dollar ah can tell you where you got yo’ shoes.”

Our reader took the bait and agreed to the bet.

So the youngster said: “You got them on yo’ feet. Welcome to N’Awlins, mister!”


Regretful resumé

A RECRUITMENT consultant in Strathaven was pleased that a CV from a young chap included the fact that he had achieved a Duke of Edinburgh Award, as it showed commitment.

The consultant’s enthusiasm was only tempered by the fact that the chap had written it as "Juke".


Stone’s throw away

DUMBARTON Rock is a vast volcanic plug dominating the Clyde town, so it’s only natural that the nearby bowling venue is named The Rock Bowling Club.

A reader was in the club’s car park when he was approached by an American lady who asked: “What kind of rocks do they use to bowl with?”


Phoney phone call

WE recall when the 999 emergency call system – the first of its kind in the world – celebrated its 75th anniversary.

A reader told us at the time: “I phoned them up to wish them happy birthday, but they were very grumpy about it.”


Dry humour

A CHAP in a Glasgow pub said he got pulled over by traffic cops who told him it was stupid of him to drive so fast when it was teeming down.

He claimed he replied: “Who’s stupid? I’m dry in my car. You’re the one standing in the rain.”


Nice work

AN EAGLE-EYED reader spotted an advert on S1 Jobs which read: "Fencer (Temporary) (2 posts)".

Concluded our reader: “It must be pretty temporary with just two posts…”