The beauty myth 

ARTIFICIAL intelligence has been used to discover what the ideal man and woman would look like.

The computer charged with the task pondered the mystery of human allure for a while, then proclaimed that the hunkiest chap is (surprise, surprise) tall dark and handsome, while the foxiest female (shock, horror) is a statuesque blonde.

Which comes as a crushing disappointment to the Diary’s roster of vain reporters, who were hoping that baggy eyes, saggy bellies, stumpy legs and prominent nasal hair would prove the most desirable qualities in either gender.

Meanwhile, Janet Fenn from Bearsden says: “The computer clearly came up with the wrong answer, at least for men.

“The most attractive a bloke can look is when he’s wearing Marigold gloves, his elbows are dripping soapy water, and he has a plate in one hand, a dishcloth in the other.”

Wheely good?

DRIVING instructor Norman Thornton once accepted a student who had already been through numerous lessons with another instructor.

Said this confident chap: “I don’t need much teaching, as I’m already pretty good. My only difficulties are turns, stopping and starting.”

Hitting the books

AN unlikely tale from Jeff Auton from Bathgate: “My friend was knocked over by the mobile library the other day. As he lay in the middle of the road, screaming in agony, the driver ran round to him, put his finger to his lips, and whispered, ‘Shhhh.’”

Dead reckoning

A CREEPY computerised thought from Oliver Muir, who says: “Using your laptop to buy another one is like asking it to dig its own grave.”

When the chips are down

RARING for a risky holiday, reader Eric Mitchell persuaded a pal to accompany him on a Las Vegas jaunt.

The chum enjoyed the music and magic shows on the strip, but isn’t fond of gambling, so stood in the shadows while Eric got on with the business of losing dizzying dollops of dosh in numerous casinos.

At one point, a casino staff member attempted to get Eric’s chum involved in the action, by saying: “You look like you’re a high roller.”

Eric’s chum replied: “Aye, right. I’m like Danny DeVito on a skateboard. A very low roller, indeed.”

Toilet humour

A WEE bit of linguistical analysis. “Apart from the obvious, there’s another reason why the early morning is known as the wee hours,” says Sid Leslie from Kirkintilloch. “Just ask any parents of a baby…”

Mind your language

A GRAMMATICAL grump from reader Martha Robinson, who says: “Dangling prepositions are something to be mad about.”