Tat-too much?

THE ticklish topic of tattoos. Pensioner Ruth Turner doesn’t like them, and recently noticed a propensity for young ‘uns to have ink etched on the back of their upper arms.

She was complaining about this to her husband, who merely shrugged and said: “It’s when they get tattoos on the back of their eyelids that you have to start worrying.”

Had your Phil?

WAR in Ukraine; tensions between the West and China; the possible return of Trump.

None of the above, it seems, is as important as another report dominating the news cycle in some quarters… the ongoing squabble between morning TV presenters Phillip Schofield and Holly Willoughby.

The public’s dogged interest in this matter leads reader William Henry to present a bold theory.

“The only conclusion possible,” he says, “is that millions of Brits are skiving off work in the morning. Otherwise they wouldn’t know who Phil and Holly are, and therefore wouldn’t give a stuff about this story.”

Barmy sarnie idea

WE’RE analysing Glasgow’s curious relationship with its statues. Liz Sebastian sends us a photo of the plinth of a statue outside Central Station which has been sprinkled with sandwiches still in their supermarket boxes.

“A generous gesture,” admits Liz, “though I’m not sure who it benefits, for neither the local pigeons, nor the statue itself, seem capable of opening the packaging.”

Theory of knowledge

IN the 18th century German philosopher Immanuel Kant was something of a local celebrity in the streets of Konigsberg, where he lived all his life, points out reader John Butler, who adds: “Does this mean he was a well Kant face round those parts?”

Stamp it out

LINGUISTS amongst the Diary’s readership are deciphering management speak. Rab Bennet once had a boss who sent an email stating: ‘I’m a non-subscriber to the concept of economic profligacy on unessential minor items.”

Explains Rab: “What he was trying to say was that he wanted me to stop spending so much of the company’s money on Blu Tack and stamps.”

Mighty munchy man

THE hungry hubby of reader Bev Murray was rummaging in the kitchen, looking for something to eat when he alighted upon a bag of marshmallows secreted in the breadbin.

Tearing it open with gusto, he announced: “I feel like a hunter in days of yore, who tracked his quarry to its lair, and is now going in for the kill.”

Food fight

IRRITATED Susan Mearns says: “Vegans need to stop berating others about their eating habits. Let’s not have another Spinach Inquisition.”