How business people can dish it out

A DIARY yarn about a procrastinating businessman reminds Willie Ferguson of the time he was fixing the central heating in an empty office and spotted a small, round ceramic dish on someone’s desk. On it were printed in bold letters the cryptic inscription: ‘round tuit’.

The mystery of these words was solved when Willie read the line underneath: “Now that I’ve got a round tuit, I should be able to get everything done.”


Rhyme time

A POEM for our troubled times from Bearsden bard Donald Caskie:

There was a poor man called Boris

Forced to drive a second-hand Morris.

In the post-Brexit Age

He now earns a high wage

Driving heavy goods lorries.


Just the ticket

THE girlfriend of reader Frank Marshall agreed to watch the Scotland-Israel match with him, even though she has happily managed to avoid colliding with the game of football all her life.

Being a quick learner, she proudly showed how rapidly her knowledge of the game was growing, by saying at one point: “That referee is giving out an awful lot of yellow tickets.”


Pause perks up

DAVID Cowan, the home affairs correspondent for BBC Scotland, has been forced to self-isolate after realising he was suffering mild Covid symptoms.

The prospect of being trapped indoors must be frustrating for an active and energetic TV reporter, though the period of pause has been made much more bearable after an old chum left a box of beer at David’s front door.

“Suddenly 10 days of self-isolation doesn’t seem so bad,” admits the commendably stoic broadcaster, who is now hoping some charitable citizen leaves fudge doughnuts to soak up all that beer.


Reduced to redoubt

HISTORICALLY-MINDED reader Michelle Cornwell gets in touch to explain: “If a castle is downgraded to a fort, you could say it’s been de-moated.”


Getting the message

SIGNING off an email to his granddaughter with the word “Grandpa”, reader David Donaldson’s predictive text offered two possibilities: 

‘xxx’  or  ‘died’.

“Does Google know something I don’t?” shudders David.


Hot idea

WE’RE devising names to be emblazoned across the side of vans. John Mulholland says that with the increase in restaurants and takeaways delivering meals, a curry house could have written on the side of its delivery vehicle… Vandaloo.


Balls up

A SPORTING lesson from reader Keith Wright. “Heading a ball with accuracy and power proves a player has a great deal of skill and dynamism,” explains Keith. “Though it’s still not advisable while bowling.”