As imagined by Brian Beacom

You’re wondering what’s going on, aren’t you? You’re wondering why I chose to join this load of old duffers and dufferesess who defy the very concept of democracy?

You can’t quite believe I’m wrapping ermine around my neck when I should be staying in Scotland and wrapping Nicola Sturgeon round my wee middle finger?

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Isn’t it obvious? I’m letting the SNP hang itself, and, you have to admit, it’s doing a fair job. Police Scotland are currently asking where the cash went, Covid levels are at their highest since March – and with app pinging creating supermarket shortages you’ll soon be wiping your backside with last week’s Daily Record.

Meantime, Nicola the Misleader is launching a new charge-for-independence video. So much for her focus on “steering us through this pandemic”.

But what of the fate of the Scottish Tories? Well, I’m happy they’re in good hands. The Linesman is competent enough to hold his own at Holyrood, but just dull enough not to threaten my return, should I decide on a comeback.

Meantime, you’re asking why don’t I enter frontline politics here in London? Right now? Are you out of your tiny mind? Who would want to serve under a Prime Minister who’s been found more wanting that Oliver Twist, an Olympian-level fabulist who tells more fibs than a three-year-old with a face covered in chocolate? Not me.

I’d end up suggesting we go outside to settle our differences, and then watch as he leapt on his bike shouting “Carrie, help, keep her away from me!”

And there’s the impact of Dominic Cummings’ latest accusations to factor in. The party may well be considering Johnson’s replacement. You can’t, as Boris is alleged to have said, throw your granny under the Covid bus, and not just because she’s your mammy’s mammy.

I need this time in the Lords. It gives me time to watch the child grow up. But who knows if Boris ever will?

But do I really belong here? Am I part of this world? I know that you want to know if I really was upset when Brian Taylor referred to me as “Baroness”.

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Of course, I was! I’ve not suddenly appeared in a remake of The Sound of Music playing Julie Andrew’s wee cousin from Fife. I don’t buy into this Lords and Ladies stuff. I was in the Territorial Army. I know what it’s like to be in a kiddy-on world.

I know there’s about as much chance of me democratising this arcane slumber chamber for fuddies as there are of Nicola and Joanna Cherry enjoying a girls’ night out in Glasgow.

It’s all about playing the waiting game. Wait ‘till Finn goes to school. Wait ‘till the Tories in London get their act together. Wait ‘till Ms Sturgeon learns to read the writing on the wall. And when her press officers number more than BBC journalists, which I was once, that’s a sure sign.

Meantime, I’m off for a wee sleep.