Welcome to the Herald Diary newsletter by Lorne Jackson. Going strong for half a century, The Diary finds the sublime and the ridiculous in Scottish life.

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• Shady shopper?

Gossip can spread like a fungus if it isn’t quickly yanked out at the root, notes reader Mary Bruce.

She was having lunch with a friend and happened to mention that she had recently bought some mushrooms that she enjoyed.

Her friend, eager to be scandalised, leaned across the table and said: “Asda mushrooms or Amsterdam mushrooms?”

(The answer wasn’t Asda, though social dishonour was thankfully avoided. They were purchased in Waitrose.)

• Get ‘in’ out

Outraged Peter Elliott gets in touch for a linguistical moan.

“The words ‘invaluable’ and ‘valuable’ essentially have the same meaning,” he grumps. “Having to say ‘in’ at the start of one of those words is a complete waste of time. So it would be invaluable – sorry, valuable – if the word invaluable was banned.”

• Unforgettable climb

We return to a familiar topic: the ups and down of the ageing process, though on this occasion we’ll focus on the ups.

Peter Wright from West Kilbride tells us he’s ordered the Stannah Stairlift Express Model, explaining: “It’s guaranteed to get you to the top of the stairs before you forget what you went up them for.”

Maurice Deane says this sign pretty much sums up adult life.

• Hellishly hot

Strolling along Sauchiehall Street the other day reader Anna Tucker and her husband spotted a poster for a local wrestling extravaganza, which was advertised in rather bombastic terms as the "Ring of Fire".

Anna’s husband nodded his head at the poster, and said: “Ring of fire, eh? Reminds me of the last time I had a chicken bhuna.”

• A perky Pollyanna

An optimistic lady wearing a pink hoody was spotted by Paul Middleton in Glasgow’s Central Station.

On the back of her hoody were the words "Dear person behind me, the world is a better place with you in it".

“It’s a lovely sentiment,” concedes Paul, “but what if the person behind her is a traffic warden?”

• Cold comfort, continued

It is a truth universally acknowledged that members of a household are inevitably drawn to the cold, white cube that lurks in the corner of the kitchen.

The Diary is currently analysing this strange fascination, and reader Matt Williams, who claims to be a scholar of such matters, explains: “We don’t check the fridge multiple times in the hope of finding new food. We check to see if our standards have fallen enough to eat what’s available.”

• Feeling nosey

Culinary-inclined reader Amanda Hamilton says: “Isn’t it strange that muffins spelled backwards is exactly what you do when you take them out of the oven.”

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