OH, for a brighter world.

A world of proper, vibrant, in-yir-face colours, not jessie pastels and, worse still, white.

The following is an estimate of how much I know about interior decorating: nada. However, like most ignoramuses, I know what I like. And what I don’t like is the pale, washed out look that has dominated interiors in recent years.

Bring me your reds, greens, yellows and blues. Make the whole world like one big nursery (without the brats, obviously) and, instantly, we’d be much happier. Think of the jolly red of the Royal Mail or a London bus or, indeed, my front door, which I painted that way for the cheery welcome home.

Think of the glorious green of Hibernian, the yellow of Brazil, the brazen blue of the much-loved Conservative Party. All right, it’s not all good, but you get my drift.

And it’s not all indoors either. Not only do I have a red front door, but a blue handrail and a yellow fence.

Before you titter, it’s restrained and it works. I’ve seen householders go over the top with colour, and would agree with your suggestion that such people should be arrested and imprisoned.

I also agree that pastel colours have a place. Even I can admire their subtlety. But, for pity’s sake, does every single house have to be white and grey inside? Paint your walls yellow and lift your spirits. I’m not bold enough to wear primary colours overtly in clothing but, were it to become the norm — and we all minced about in something like Star Trek uniforms — think how our high streets would be brightened up.

As one of Edinburgh’s leading existentialists, I’m as inclined as the next cod-philosopher to dress in black. However, be assured I’ve a yellow semmit and massive blue underpants underneath.