LACONIC former accountant Arnold Brown received a Lifetime Achievement Award at the Scottish Comedy Awards last night in Glasgow.

Arnold is widely regarded as the godfather of alternative comedy. We liked Arnold's reaction to getting the award. "It's always been great to be regarded as the comedian's comedian," he said, "but my real ambition has always been to be the bank manager's comedian."

They come in pints

STUART Tait continues our under-age drinking stories with: "On starting at Glasgow School of Art, one of my new friends, a fresh-faced 17-year-old James MacLeod from Skye, said he wanted to go and try a pint in a Glasgow pub. So with grant cheque in hand - remember them? - we headed to Lymburns on Holland Street where James, on being asked what he would like, said 'Beer' to which the barmaid asked, 'What kind?' His reply of a 'Big one, please!' abruptly ended that particular bevy session."

From Osborne, with love

A NEW savings bond for the over-65s announced in the Budget has been dubbed the "pensioner bond". A Motherwell reader says his pensions adviser revealed it is now known in the industry as a "Sean Connery".

Ferry excuse is a hit

ALISTAIR Easton in Edinburgh notes on the ferry company Caledonian MacBrayne's website, explaining the absence one morning of a ferry to Arran, that, as the company put it: "The MV Caledonian Isles made a connection with the pier at Ardrossan on the evening of March 27."

Presumably they couldn't bring themselves to simply say "hit".

Supermarket royalty

A READER heard a woman on his bus ask her pal: "Did you see the picture of Prince William and Kate with baby George? He was wearing a jumper with his name on it."

"Good to see," said her pal, "that they shop in Asda like the rest of us."

Right to reply

DO you ever bother putting an out-of-office message on your office email account when you are away from your desk? A reader swears to us he got this automatic message when he emailed someone at work who, we think, has lost his enthusiasm for his job. The message read: "If you'd like to contact me, please post your email directly to my Facebook page where I will be spending the rest of my day."

Fit like? Zut alors!

STRANGE pronunciations continued. Says Bob Byiers: "I was involved in a project with a French Canadian who was keen to come to Scotland as his ancestors hailed from somewhere that sounded like 'Fauche Abbé'. Only when he described where this place was did I realise he was talking about Fochabers."

You've lost us now

AND Andy Cumming was walking the West Highland Way at the weekend when, says Andy: "We were stopped by a rather plummy-sounding lady asking for directions to Dry Men. My pal's rather quick reply was 'keep straight on, turn right at Wet Wumin'."

Son defuses the situation

A GLASGOW reader feels his eight-year-old son is wise beyond his years as they were watching a mediocre action movie at the weekend and his son asked: "So why doesn't the baddie just make all the wires on his bomb the same colour?"