A HEARTFELT message from Cameron Bell who tells us: "Hope you are well and enjoying this spectacular summer. A word of warning though for Diary readers. Yesterday I left my dog in the car when I went shopping. On my return the SSPCA had broken the car window - and put a wee blanket round her!"

JACK Konopate was flying back to Glasgow on a budget airline from London's Stansted Airport when, says Jack: "A chap who thinks he's uber cool gets on the plane with a voice like a bag of marbles in his mouth. He flashes his boarding card at the stewardess, points down the aisle, and languidly says, 'Just down there?' The busy stewardess replies in a Glaswegian accent, 'Naw, upstairs and roon the corner'."

WHAT already? Hard to believe that some schools are already starting up after the summer break this week. One primary teacher tells us she remembers a first day back when a young lad put his hand up and said: "Please miss, can I go and get my new pencils from my blazer?" So she sent him off to the cloakroom, but was worried when there was no sign of him after ten minutes, and no sign of him in the cloakroom. Eventually he arrived back at the classroom, and when she asked where he had been he explained: "Miss, my blazer was at home."

A READER was in a Glasgow diner where a father had ordered some cheese and biscuits for his young son. The lad looked dubiously at the array of cheeses and said: "Dad, I don't like cheese with holes in it!"

Our reader applauds the father's inspired reply of: "Just eat the cheese and leave the holes at the side of the plate."

SAD to hear of the death of wrestler "Rowdy" Roddy Piper who, despite being Canadian, came into the ring wearing a kilt and would declare he was from Glasgow in order to give himself some street cred. We recall the compliment he once paid to Glasgow by telling an interviewer: "Glasgow people have accepted me, and it’s almost like they have taken in the orphan child. It’s remarkable, because normally folks would be really hard on a Canadian who has been announced as hailing from Glasgow for his entire career. It’s very humbling, but at the same time extremely wonderful."

Mind you, it was probably because he never tried a Glasgow accent.

NORMALLY we eschew lightbulb jokes, but having seen so many advertisements on the telly, we pass on: "How many personal injury lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?


"One to change the bulb, one to shake him off the ladder, and one to sue the ladder company."

OUR tales of poor service in shops reminds Kate Woods of her son going into an upmarket Glasgow stores where he was trying to find a shirt in his size, but the two assistants were deep in conversation with each other about their holidays. Eventually he politely interrupted them to ask about shirts. Says Kate: "One of them replied, 'I don't know son - not my department'. Then, pointing at an empty chair quite far across the floor she said, 'You'll need to ask the guy that usually sits there'.

"My son still wonders how shops in Glasgow actually sell anything."