I was delighted when Andy Murray struck gold at the London Olympics. I was nevertheless dubious about tennis’ place in the Olympics even though it has been there since 1988. I just can’t imagine Phillipides gasping his last to let Athens know that Murray was a break up in the fifth.
When disputing tennis’ right to Olympic status I have tried to clinch the argument by asking rhetorically, “What next, golf”? That has turned out to be an ill – advised hostage to fortune, as hitting a wee ball with a variety of sticks will feature at the upcoming Rio games. Of course there is a very good reason why golf hasn’t been in the Olympics since 1904. It’s not a sport. How can something that includes an umbrella as part of its essential equipment be taken seriously, let alone be dignified as a sport?
At best golf is a game, a gentle pastime to while away the time as one becomes too old for genuine sport. I readily accept to play it well requires a modicum of skill. But again, so does darts and ludo, and I don’t detect a clamour for their inclusion in the Olympics.
Genuine Olympic events should combine skill, athleticism and endurance. Those who participate should be supremely fit, be role models for the young and objects of admiration for those of us long past it. Darren Clark or Colin Montgomerie on the Olympic podium? Try applying “Faster, Higher, Stronger” to golf. I rest my case.
Even the old cliché about golf being a good walk spoiled no longer holds good. Passing the local golf course I noticed lines of strange vehicles resembling the issue of an unnatural congress between a milk float and an invalid carriage. I am reliably informed that these are golf buggies that save golfers the inconvenience of walking between swipes.
Scotland has a lot to answer for in promoting the overblown pastime. I have nothing in particular against St Andrews, but I am always taken aback by its willingness to promote itself as the birthplace of golf. To non – golfers it’s akin to a town somewhere in central Asia promoting itself as the birthplace of the Black Death.
Golf has a strange effect on people. A Trump - like transformation occurs when people who appear otherwise normal in the outside world step into the parallel universe of the clubhouse. The barroom bores’ and the lounge lizards’ views on women (yes, Muirfield, I’m thinking about you) and ethnic minorities can be encapsulated as, “OK, Hitler went over the score with one or two things, but we could still use him as membership secretary.”
People who work in worthy if dreary professions such as accountants, solicitors and bankers inexplicably become fashion victims the moment they step onto the tee. Being charitable we should be grateful to them for providing a market for Scottish knitwear’s discontinued lines. Less charitably, some seem to model garments designed and manufactured by blind weavers inhabiting a remote island in the Outer Hebrides. Less charitably still, most look as if they dressed in the dark before setting out.
I suspect the inclusion in the Olympics of events such as golf and sailing is the developed world’s response to African nations running away, literally, with the medals for events that rely on genuine physical endeavour involving running, jumping and throwing things. I can’t imagine a Kenyan farmer intent on feeding his family, looking out his Callaways or his Mistral dinghy and heading off to his local golf or sailing club.
There is a serious point here. Far too many Olympic events require hugely expensive equipment that effectively disqualifies half the planet from participation. I don’t wish in anyway to demean Chris Hoy’s very real athletic achievements, but his 2012 bike cost around £15,000. Similarly, huge investment is required for events such as sailing, show jumping and yes, golf.
It’s time to strip out all the froth from the Games so they become hopefully, a test of drugs - free athleticism. The inclusion of golf is a further debasement of the Olympics and driven by bloated commercialism. Who really wants golf in the Olympics? Not the players. Some are showing a distinct lack of enthusiasm citing the presence of the Zika virus.
An eOlympics is to take place alongside the Rio games. This allegedly will provide the “ultimate test” of international gaming skills. Who knows, the way things are going, it might be possible to win a gold medal for Candy Crush at the next Olympics without leaving your bedroom.
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