IT was a sell-out even before the headliner was announced. Hundreds of thousands scrambled to get their hands on the hottest tickets of the summer, then the lucky few took to social media to boast. So what's the big attraction that has the nation buzzing? A music festival? A new theme park? A unicorn for Edinburgh Zoo? No, it's a bridge.

It will be an excellent bridge, I'm sure. It's been made in Scotland from girders, hasn't it? Let's not get bogged in technical details. Our triple-towered triumph will be the envy of the world – especially those parts of the world that have rubbish bridges. Going over the new bridge will be a multi-sensory adventure for the whole family. When the car wheels caress its surface, will it make a ga-dunk ga-dunk noise? Perhaps this could be sampled for a dance anthem. How proudly we would watch Calvin Harris featuring Bridgey McBridgeface climb to the top of the charts.

But first, the big walk. Summer might have been a bit of a let-down so far, but who needs T in the Park when you can B on the Bridge? You may be wondering why people other than engineering nerds are quite so enthused about this, but did you see the official invitations? They have little pop-up bridges inside! And what about that line-up? The Queen featuring Prince Philip! Nicola Sturgeon! The Makar! The Moderator of the Church of Scotland! OK so technically that lot won't take to the main stage until Monday, after the riff-raff have gone home, but it's clear North-to-South Queensferry is the place to be seen this September if you're a mover, shaker or even just a shuffler.

Amid all this excitement, spare a thought for the 200,000 hopefuls who lost out on a place, and the countless others who probably thought “what's so exciting about walking across a bridge?” only to belatedly realise the correct answer is “everything”. But fear not, as I have a solution. When it comes to celebrating massive infrastructure projects, why stop at the Queensferry Crossing? Why don't we start planning now for 2025, when the £3 billion dualling of the A9 from Perth to Inverness is due to be completed?

Step one will be to enlist Scotland's foremost duos to lead a procession. I propose two giant floats, one for each lane of the new carriageway, each driven to Killiecrankie by a Krankie and carrying a member of Hue and Cry, who will serenade the construction workers marching behind them with Labour of Love. They'll be accompanied by a chorus of Perth primary pupils, selected via the inaugural A9 Factor talent contest (this will inevitably turn into an annual event, attracting tourist spectators from all around the world – especially those parts of the world that don't have any dual carriageways).

Once this initial 30-mile stretch is completed, the weary but exhilarated road workers will hand the baton over to the lucky two million members of the public who have secured special lanyards admitting them to the 60 miles of motorway that pass through the Cairngorms National Park. Just one lanyard between two though, because this element of the procession is a three-legged race. Duos will soak up a festival atmosphere as they power along in two lanes, with local squirrels, pine martens and wildcats lining the route to cheer them on. The delirious throng will be met at Dalwhinnie by Gallagher and Lyle, performing Lonesome No More on a loop as they hand out bottles of Highland Spring.

As with the Queensferry Crossing Experience, teams will be encouraged to raise money for charity as they go, as well as raising awareness of the delicate and endangered twinflower – nature's very only dualling project. The pretty pink blooms are under threat due to the distance insects must travel to pollinate them, so everyone taking part in It's Cool to Dual will carry a box containing bees and geometrid moths, which they will release at specially marked locations along the way.

Finally, with just 20 miles to go, Jack and Victor from Still Game will ride mobility scooters along the pristine tarmac from Carrbridge to Inverness, where First Minister Mhairi Black will be waiting to cut a ribbon and the Moderator of the Church of Scotland will say a prayer for all those hospitalised during the event's earlier stages.

If that all sounds like it would require a lot of planning, bear in mind we've got eight years to get organised. Once the elation of next weekend has worn off, work can begin on handcrafting the A9 invitations and rolling out the basic beekeeping training. We might not know for sure which constitutional path Scotland will choose in the years to come, but one things for certain, and pretty darned exciting – we're going to have a lot more dual carriageways.

Do away with itching? Scratch that

IRRITATING news from scientists this week, who have discovered how our brains figure out that our skin is itchy. So why does a prickle gets us in a pickle, and a rash makes us thrash … and are you scratching yet? It's got something to do with gastrin-releasing peptide receptors and the parabrachial nucleus, and the findings based on experiments with mice offer hope for a way to disrupt the signal. But we should be careful about trying to tamper with nature's tingles. Sweet relief from angry eczema and a plague of marauding midgies might sound like progress, but it would take only one itch-resistant infant and a school production of Oliver! to spread nits, glorious nits to a chorus of cap-swapping urchins. While they're looking into itching, these scientists might want to investigate why just reading about certain creepy crawly irritants – you know, the likes of lice, ticks, fleas, bedbugs and pinworms pricking and sucking and leaving soft skin covered in scabies, hives, eruptions and pustulating sores – is sometimes enough to leave a faint-hearted Saturday newspaper reader reaching for the calamine lotion.

White blouse privilege needs checking

IT feels apt that Louise Linton's next acting role will be in Odious, a thriller for which she is executive producer. The Edinburgh-born, Fettes-educated wife of US Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin caused a hoo-ha this week after Instagramming a picture of herself on a government-funded jaunt and gauchely hashtagging the designers of her lily-white breeks and blouse. When an American taxpayer declared her “deplorable” she hit back with an obnoxious rant about how rich she is and how much she pays in tax. Who knew bit-part roles in the likes of TV movie William and Kate were so lucrative? Linton certainly can't have got rich from her 2016 self-published memoir about her gap year in Africa, which documented a narrow escape from village-raiding Hutu rebels. She withdrew this sensational tome from sale after half of Zambia declared her a bare-faced liar. Once we've finished cringeing with embarrassment, let's focus on some good that's come out of Linton's latest tone-deaf move: the woman who shamed her on Instagram has used her 15 minutes of fame to help raise money for a friend who's recovering from a stroke.