IT’S not often I say what I’m about to say, but I feel sorry for the Tories. They’re being plagued by an embarrassing nightmare, striking fear into the hearts of hoity-toity types up and down the land. I’m not talking about the robotic Theresa May or Jacob “I’ve lost my time machine” Rees-Mogg. The horror show making Tories squirm isn’t even bumbling buffoon Boris Johnson, or Brexit Secretary David Davis – who, incidentally, always reminds me of Father Ted in that Christmas special where the priests all get lost in the women’s lingerie department.

And speaking of lingerie, now we get to our culprit: it’s the one and only Michelle Moan – sorry, Mone. Last week, the creator of underwear brand Ultimo went off on one, ranting and raving in barely legible language, at an SNP MP on Twitter.

Baroness Mone, as she now is after gaining entry to the unelected House of Lords as a Tory peer, took exception to a claim from Stewart McDonald MP that she’d voted only twice in Westminster since taking her title.

The fact that McDonald had got it all wrong – she had voted a lot more than twice, but as the Sunday Herald reported last weekend had only spoken twice – should have been a golden opportunity for Mone to get comfy up on the moral high ground. A sharp take-down would have been glorious. It was there for the taking, back of the net. It’s exactly the kind of thing we crave on Twitter: an opportunity to squash the opposition with their own stupidity. But oh no, not oor Michelle. Instead she threw a tantrum a five-year-old would have been proud of.

In response to McDonald, she said: “What are u talking about u SNP MORON! I have voted over 78 times, not twice! I’m a global entrepreneur with 9 biz interests not a full time MP like u! The difference is I’m a Baroness for life,whereas u will be out of ur MP job in no time ...” A peer of the realm, ladies and gentlemen.

It’s actually impressive to achieve that amount of potential damage in a single tweet comprised of the kind of slang text that kids scrawl on school toilet walls, but Mone does aim high, you have to give her that – even if she is aiming with the precision of a North Korean rocket crashing into the Sea of Japan.

The tweet scored a spectacular own goal for Mone, since it sent journalists off on a frenzy trying to confirm that her boastful claims on Twitter didn’t match the business interests she’d registered in the Lords.

Mone has only five businesses listed in her parliamentary register of interests, not nine, forcing her spokespeople to put out a formal statement insisting that her declaration is accurate because a number of her other projects haven’t actually launched yet.

It stated: “Lady Mone hasn’t registered the other business interests as they haven’t officially launched as yet. There is a Global business launching next week. If you dare write anything inflammatory you will be sued.”

I’m almost drowning at this point under the sheer sophistication of my titled superior. I’m not mocking Mone’s language because it’s common – anyone who’s heard me speak could tell you that for nothing – and I’m not shaming her working-class roots, not in the slightest. What irritates me is the contradiction. It’s possible to be successful and choose to pull others up the ladder behind you, not pull the ladder away.

By taking her title, Lady Mone has proudly stepped into an unelected chamber on behalf of a party responsible for crippling cuts to welfare and public services. She’s willing to trample all over the people she may once have called neighbours to advance herself. The things people will do to acquire status and power are very revealing. But those people who make it to the Lords tend to be a little sly; they choose their battles wisely and strategically and they keep their tempers. They know how to play the game, and they are usually in a whole different class – quite literally.

Michelle Mone may wish to be a lady. She may wish to be one of that elite. But she isn’t, and it’s unlikely she ever will be, not really. A Tory peer does not conduct one’s self in such a way.

So it’s a real shame for the Tories. My heart bleeds for them. But I do believe I speak for many in Scotland when I say that they’re more than welcome to the woman who once threatened to leave Scotland if we voted for our independence. Good riddance.