Spin a yarn

WE asked for the best excuses for being late, and Jim McInally tells us: "A few years ago I was teaching at Broughton High School. One morning a student came in late. She had a note from her mother explaining that she was late because mother and daughter had been trapped in the bathroom for half an hour by a spider."

Having a word

SNP MP for Livingston Hannah Bardell was speaking at Westminster where she said the Tory Government was in a fankle over Brexit. The reporters at Hansard, which publishes Westminster debates, wrote to her asking: "The Hansard Reporters would be grateful for the answer to the following specific query. Tangle? Fankle??" Hannah was able to reassure them that "fankle" was a good Scottish word. It reminds us of when the late Tommy Graham, the rather gruff-speaking working class Renfrewshire MP, spoke in Parliament. Not a word was understood by the poor Hansard staff who simply sent a request to Tommy to give them his written speech which appeared in next day's Hansard verbatim.

Gingerly speaking

TALKING of MPs, many of them have taken to social media, but make comments that are dull, boring, and unforgettable. So well done to the new Tory MP in Eastwood Paul Masterton who welcomed the sunny weather yesterday afternoon by declaring on Twitter: "Remember, on days like today, do your bit for humanity and check in on any ginger neighbours to make sure they have sufficient supplies of total block and a sun hat."

Make a note

LIFE in Glasgow. Artist David Shrigley, who went to Glasgow School of Art, and lived in the city for many years, was being interviewed in a Sunday newspaper where he was asked if he kept a notebook for his ideas. He told the interviewer: "Yes, I do have a Moleskine notebook, as you might imagine, as every other note-taker does. I was in Glasgow one day in the Botanic Gardens near where we lived, and I was making a little drawing, sitting on a bench. I overheard two guys walking past and they went, 'Police'. How far from the truth can you be?"

That's the ticket

GROWING old, continued. Says reader John Lamont: "Have you ever received a thank you for attending an event you have missed? Received an email from the Ayr Gaiety Theatre thanking us for visiting and hoping we enjoyed the Pasha Kovalev's Magic of Hollywood. Truth is I had completely forgotten the tickets bought last December at the height of 'Strictly' fever."

Your funeral

WE pass on the comment from American college professor Marian Viorica who is not impressed by the ability of her students to get up in the morning. As she put it: "I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives."

All in a name

MUCH heated debate amongst Old Firm fans about the arrival of former Liverpool captain Steven Gerrard as the new Rangers manager. One Celtic fan emails the Diary: "Rangers now have a bigger name manager than Celtic? False. Steven Gerrard = 13 letters. Brendan Rodgers = 14 letters."