Let's face it

STILL enjoying the kids off from school? A south side reader on the train into town heard these wise words from a woman telling her traveling companion: "Friend on Facebook posted that she was brimming with joy that all her kids were home from school and university just now. You see it's lies like that which are putting me off social media."

Fudging it

WE mentioned increasing cruise ships calling in at Scottish ports, and a reader reminds us of the American woman off a giant cruise ship at Greenock who shouted at her husband: "Archie, you're about to miss the treat of your life!" No, it was not the town's fine Victorian architecture which she wanted him to peruse but the window of Greggs the Bakers which was displaying yum yums, strawberry tarts, steak bakes and fudge doughnuts.

Snap your fingers

IT was reported yesterday that chocolate manufacturers Nestle had failed in its bid at the European Court of Justice to have the four-finger shape of a Kit Kat registered as a trademark. We are indebted to Tom White who tells us that the noise of a Kit Kat being snapped in their television advert was actually created by snapping a stalk of frozen celery.

And a reader phones with a Kit Kat joke: "Guy goes to the window of a late night garage on his way home from the pub and asks the girl behind the perspex, 'Can I have a Kit Kat Chunky?' 'Not if you're going to call me names,' she replied."

Chips are down

TOUR buses continued. Says Kate Hunter: "Some years ago we were on a bus tour on Gibraltar. The guide pointed out various places of interest then told us, 'On your left is the American Embassy'. We thought, 'What? On Gibraltar?' Turned out to be a branch of Macdonald's"

We're hooked

WE are still trying to make sense of the faltering Brexit negotiations. Quintin Forbes tries to help by re-writing an old saying: "Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.

Give a man a fishing rod and he is preparing for Brexit."

In a flap

A SCOTTISH newspaper wondered if seagulls are the latest threat to Scottish football after one of them dropped the carcass of a dead pigeon in the goalmouth at the Queens Park match the other night. It follows on from claims that the raucous seagulls at Aberdeen are becoming louder and more belligerent. One person who might agree is Diary reader Bill Lothian who once told us about his referee pal recounting that Junior football fans at an Ayrshire ground began pelting the opposition goalkeeper with bread. The ref thought that was odd until minutes later when a squabble of seagulls swooped down for the bread, distracting the keeper as he tried to deal with a dangerous cross into his box.

Moving tribute

PROVING that friends are all heart, a Glasgow reader heard a chap in his local declare that he had talked his pal out of leaving his wife. When the topers around him congratulated him on being so sensitive, he added: "I had to. Otherwise he'd expect me to help him move his stuff out - and he's three floors up."

Yer Da

AND today's piece of daftness comes from a reader who simply emails: "I'm sure wherever my Dad is, he's looking down on me.

"He's not dead, just very condescending."