Got his number

BIG problem in Scottish prisons just now is the number of hidden mobile phones. A reader was speaking to a prison officer who told him that the prison received a phone call from a mother asking if they could pass on a message to her son. Says our reader: "The officer asked what the message was and she replied, 'Tell him I’ve put £20 credit on his phone.' The officer then asked, 'What number did you add the credit to?' and the innocent woman rattled off the mobile phone number.

"The officer then walked to the prisoner’s closed cell door, took out his own phone and dialled the number. At a 'hullo', he opened the door and met the gaze of the bemused felon, then duly confiscated the illicit device."

Out to grass

HAMILTON Accies has agreed to have its stadium sponsored by a cannabis oil company. Martin Keegan asks if the artificial pitch will now be removed and the club revert to grass.

Hey Jack

JACK Irvine, boss of leading PR firm Media House, was much taken with our story about the Scotsman review of a Cliff Richard concert which didn't in fact contain anything about Cliff. It reminded Jack of his tentative steps into the world of journalism when he was a trainee on the then Glasgow Herald many years ago and Jimi Hendrix was playing at Green's Playhouse. Says Jack: "I volunteered to review the concert. I was a really keen guitarist myself but when I saw Hendrix take the stage and open up with Sgt Pepper's my head exploded.

"I rushed back to the office and I seem to remember the thrust of my review was, 'I have seen the future of rock n’ roll.” A grizzled old Features person shook her head, 'Jimi Hendrix, never heard of him,' and promptly spiked my juvenile prose. I have never recovered from that knock-back although happily the lack of a review in The Glasgow Herald didn’t seem to thwart Jim Hendrix's plans for world domination."

Mooning

OLD gag alert as Iain Martin tells us: "With all the news about the rare red moon I am reminded of the teacher explaining about the solar system and asking the class, 'Where is Mars?' Little Johnnie raises his hand and says, 'Please miss, you’re sitting on it'."

Cutting remark

BUS tours continued. Says John Anderson in Bishopton: "I am a tour guide and I was with a group of American tourists at the Rest and Be Thankful viewpoint. Looking at the surrounding hills one of them asked me, 'Do they mow the grass round here?'"

Pythonesque

JOHN Cleese is in America publicising his rather underwhelming TV series, Hold the Sunset. We liked his reply when he was asked by our sister paper USA Today where his humour came from. Cleese replied: "It comes from a little man in Cardiff. He’s just wonderfully funny. I read the postcards and do pretty much what he tells me. He told me recently they're not his ideas. He gets his ideas from a lady in Swindon who refuses to say where she gets her ideas."

Smear tactics

NOT sure if we should pass this on, but after our story about robot vacuum cleaners and dogs, Peter Sykes tells us: "A colleague of mine notes that a robot vacuum cleaner and an incontinent dog are a bad combination. On the plus side, at least you get a trail on the carpet marking the cleaner's route post doggy mishap so you know how good it is at covering the whole floor - very good apparently."

Pure escapism

TODAY'S piece of daftness comes from Pete Firman who says: "I spent the last three days alone trying to learn escapology. I need to get out more."

Saucy

AS we continue to ponder the Government planning to stockpile food and medicine in case of a hard Brexit, Ben declares: "Hi Theresa May - just letting you know I’ve got a nationally sufficient stockpile of ketchup sachets in my desk drawer at work. Doing my bit."