Hard to swallow

READERS of the travel website Hidden Scotland have voted Millport as Scotland's most beautiful town. I knew I should have explored further than the Tavern Bar and the Golden Dragon restaurant last time I was there. An American tourist was once in the compact Tavern and announced to everyone how much he loved Scottish beer before pointing at a tap and demanding a pint of Bernardo's. The barman quietly explained he was pointing at a charity can tied to the front of it.

One of the nice things to do on Millport is to hire a bike and cycle around Cumbrae. A reader once told us: "Was passing the bike-hire shop and heard a lassie tell her pal, 'Ah don't know if ah want to cycle all the way roon the island.' So her pal suggested, 'Why do ye no just go half way and then cycle back?'"

Horny moment

WE asked for your embarrassing moments and an Edinburgh reader confesses: "I had told my work colleagues I had got a new car and a couple of them looked out the window at the office car park and asked if that was it. They were pointing at a Mercedes sports car just a couple of bays down from my more modest Ford Fiesta. I said yes, that was mine.

"The only problem was that they left at the same time as me and came to see the car. In a bit of a fluster I grabbed the handle of the Mercedes, assuming they would stroll on to their own cars. I must have tugged too hard as the alarm on the sports car went off as they continued to stare at me."

Touch of class

DARE we say it, but there might be one or two misanthropes amongst our readers. I know, hard to believe. I only mention it as a reader emailed yesterday: "When my friends claim to have done something amazing on Facebook I always ask for photographic proof. I just wish they would make an exception for their children's first day back at school."

But another reader was more positive, telling us: "I like these back-to-school pics. It allows me to see what my friends have done with their hallways and front doors."

Spinning a yarn

OUR tales about hamsters remind Dave Carson in Clydebank: "When my grandson was about five, he and his classmates were asked by the teacher to speak about their pets. Fraser stood up and talked about his hamster.

"A few weeks later at a parents' night his teacher told his mother of how he described what his pet hamster did. He told the class about where it went in the house, what it ate, how it played in its wheel and when it went to sleep. His puzzled Mum said, 'Fraser hasn’t got a hamster'.”

Having a ball

A BEARSDEN reader passes on the tip: "We're having a few friends over for dinner, and my wife asked me if I thought it was true that visitors are always nosey, and usually root around inside your bathroom cabinet. I told her I didn't know, but we could always find out by filling it completely with ping pong balls."

Ring to it

WE'RE halfway through the Edinburgh Festival Fringe, and Kiva Murphy, whose show Match is about the absurd things folk do to find dates, tells us: "I was interviewing someone who I had on stage and I was trying to find out if he was in love. He told me he wasn’t - at which point his wife stood up from the back of the audience indignant, shouting that she wanted a divorce, and proceeded to throw her wedding ring onto the stage. I never found out if they actually broke up or not."

Dog's life

AH the differences between cats and dogs. A reader emails the truth: "My dog thinks I'm the most amazing person on the planet, but I don't let it go to my head since I'm pretty sure the cat has me figured out."