Our son, River, celebrated his first birthday last week and it got me thinking about my expectations of the first year of his life versus the reality of how it all panned out.
The problem with the internet - and by the internet I mean social media - is that there are so many false representations of parenting out there.
Pinterest is chock-a-block full of “great ideas” that need a masters in fine arts and a professional photo studio to replicate.
Here are six examples of what went wrong in year one:
1. Halloween
I was expecting to replicate the cute Instagram “baby in pumpkin” picture, but this is what I ended up with.
I can still picture his little face crumpling with betrayal as he was wedged into a big orange prison.
In reality the cold slime on naked legs must have felt somewhat alien to a baby and needless to say the pictures never made it to social media. I’m almost over the shock so I can share them almost guilt free* now.
(*still riddled with guilt)
2. Creative arts
“Lets get the craft box out” is enough to awaken any hidden Monica Geller that you might have sleeping inside you.
Paint goes absolutely sodding everywhere and babies don’t quite understand “NO DON’T PUT THAT HAND ON OUR NEWLY PAINTED WALLS” or “STAY IN THE BLACK BLOODY TRAY!”
3. Seepy time
Whenever I imagined day naps for my unborn baby I pictured lovely warm naps with all the teddies a little man could wish for and a nice cosy throw that would smell like him.
Sometimes I might be able to sneak in for a warm snuggle and Eskimo kisses.
What we actually have is a half-naked lunatic that drags cushions off the couch like a caveman dragging his club behind him trying to find a quiet corner to have a sneaky unscheduled nap in.
Not on my watch, pal.
No.
I have to stuff him into a sleeping sack and can’t be within a 10-mile radius or he will hear me and insist on getting up to play.
4. Eating
“Aw, look at that baby using his spoon.”
Me, in a restaurant as I pick up fluffy scrambled egg from the floor for the fifteenth time and trying to put it back on his tray without anyone seeing or judging me.
I did once make the mistake of giving him a spoon with his yoghurt in public which resulted in some poor, unsuspecting lady being covered in Peppa Pig Fromage Frais.
I suppose it’s not as bad as the time he put a cauliflour cheese handprint on the back of someone’s black coat in Nando’s and I just left the restaurant.
At least on this occasion we apologised.
5. Downtime
I really wanted to spend every moment River wasn’t engaged in some creative play by reading to him.
Problem is, the kid loves Countdown and I love the kid watching Countdown for 40 minutes and having a bit of peace. At least it’s a bit educational…
6. Birthday baking
On the lead up to River’s birthday I carefully planned his cake.
I had grand ideas, but limited creativity.
I scrolled through Pinterest like an 80s kid at Christmas with an Argos Catalogue hot off the press. I was going to do a multi-tiered, naturally sweetened, buttercream frosted extravaganza.
As you can see, what I ended up with was a cake that wouldn’t look out of place on the end of a clown’s face.
Ah well, I tried.
So what have I learned? Put in the effort and get that Pinterest perfect life? Nah, just going to lower my standards.
Stephanie Donaghy-Sims writes a weekly column about the adoring highs and comical lows of life as a new parent in her blog, The Milky Gay.
You can follow the (mis)adventures of River on Facebook and Twitter at @theMilkyGayblog
Why are you making commenting on The Herald only available to subscribers?
It should have been a safe space for informed debate, somewhere for readers to discuss issues around the biggest stories of the day, but all too often the below the line comments on most websites have become bogged down by off-topic discussions and abuse.
heraldscotland.com is tackling this problem by allowing only subscribers to comment.
We are doing this to improve the experience for our loyal readers and we believe it will reduce the ability of trolls and troublemakers, who occasionally find their way onto our site, to abuse our journalists and readers. We also hope it will help the comments section fulfil its promise as a part of Scotland's conversation with itself.
We are lucky at The Herald. We are read by an informed, educated readership who can add their knowledge and insights to our stories.
That is invaluable.
We are making the subscriber-only change to support our valued readers, who tell us they don't want the site cluttered up with irrelevant comments, untruths and abuse.
In the past, the journalist’s job was to collect and distribute information to the audience. Technology means that readers can shape a discussion. We look forward to hearing from you on heraldscotland.com
Comments & Moderation
Readers’ comments: You are personally liable for the content of any comments you upload to this website, so please act responsibly. We do not pre-moderate or monitor readers’ comments appearing on our websites, but we do post-moderate in response to complaints we receive or otherwise when a potential problem comes to our attention. You can make a complaint by using the ‘report this post’ link . We may then apply our discretion under the user terms to amend or delete comments.
Post moderation is undertaken full-time 9am-6pm on weekdays, and on a part-time basis outwith those hours.
Read the rules here