Future shock: Promises of a dementia cure show coconut oil is simply the new snake oil

So, hoping to spare myself the butchery of a conventional vasectomy, I valiantly ventured into the article to learn how coconut oil has “already helped 47,187 people prevent, stop and reverse their Alzheimer’s and dementia symptoms”. Perhaps the medical practitioners who calculated this suspiciously accurate number should also attempt to cure haemorrhoids, as they’re clearly good at pulling things out their a***.

Yet, I’m sold. I’m already online ordering all the coconuts a Tesco delivery guy can carry, confident I’ll forever be able to recall every tedious second of my unremarkable existence. This is because I’ve been enchanted by a wee photo of healthierpatriot.com’s originator, a smiling middle-aged gent with a twinkle in his eye who goes by the solid, honest name of Martin Reilly.

He looks reassuringly trustworthy and professional, the kind of guy you wouldn’t mind telling you to get your affairs in order when the MRI results come through. He boasts that distinctly American jutting masculine jawline, which is perhaps a flattering optical illusion gifted by his strong, dominant nose and thick shock of white hair, artfully swept into a self-consciously unkempt side-shed. In essence, he’s Dick Van Dyke in Diagnosis: Murder.

Further study reveals Reilly’s belief that coconut oil has cost “Big Pharma” – that familiar warcry of every subconscious Scientologist – “tens of thousands of dollars” to date, adding the substance has also “exposed the fact that they have no intention of curing anyone of these devastating brain diseases”. Apparently this “brain food” has been shown to reverse memory loss and cure Alzheimer’s in just 30 days, leaving “the medical community stunned”. And, presumably, the “cured” praying for death’s sweet embrace to free them from the hell of having a sparkling mind imprisoned inside a dried-up septuagenarian sandbag body.

Yet, despite Reilly suggesting the existence of “stunned doctors”, no names are cited and no-one is quoted. He’s not wearing a white coat either in his wee pic, and if we’ve learned anything from toothpaste adverts, it’s that folk who hawk health products are legally obliged to don white coats – even if their qualifications come from a drama school rather than a medical one. On his healthierpatriot.com pop-up, Reilly confidently sports a suave V-neck sweater, the kind of thing David Bowie would have worn to the cricket.

How are we to believe him then? Should we simply be sold by his fatherly, dominant alpha demeanour alone? How can we be sure he even exists and isn’t just a stock image of a well-preserved, white American male?

Well, we google his name of course. And it seems Reilly is indeed a real person, a “science coach” and writer of various unprovable and unverified theories concerning health and wellbeing. His “Memory Repair Protocol” programme claims to help individuals prevent dementia by using “natural constituents” such as coconut and cocoa. So if you eat enough Bountys it may be possible to recall the bliss of your mother’s womb. A superior advertising tagline to “the taste of paradise” I’m sure you’ll agree.

Reilly then attempts to win our sympathies, stating that he created the “Memory Repair Protocol” programme to treat his own wife’s Alzheimer’s, experimenting with various spices, vegetables, herbs and oily components that seemingly grease the wheels of biological impossibility.

Just when my critical faculties were eventually beginning to kick in, guiding the mouse arrow towards an incredibly small “x” in the pop-up’s right hand corner, I found myself again drawn to Reilly’s face, his twinky electric blue eyes shooting lasers that were kryptonite to cynicism.

In a desperate attempt to deflect his tractor-beam charisma, what remained of my clinical, objective mind somehow managed to drudge up some half-remembered trivia from the deepest bowels of my memory – a commonly known “fact” that coconut oil zealots often employ. The proof of this oil’s powers, they assert, is illustrated by dementia-free indigenous populations in parts of the Philippines, India and Sri Lanka, where diets boast copious amounts of fresh coconut.

Yet, when applying cold logic to this initially intriguing happenstance, their healthy brains make perfect sense – undoubtedly the result of balanced diets that include copious amounts of fish, fruits, and vegetables, all completely free from any questionable chemicals or preservatives. Perhaps it’s no coincidence so many of us fall victim to dementia in the land of the pizza crunchie. On a roll, of course. Just like Martin Reilly and his business plan.

POISONOUS OR NOT, IT’S ALL ACADEMIC

SOME advice: if you’re ever blissfully surfing the interwebs with your kecks down and find your activities interrupted by Martin Reilly’s Rasputiny eyes in an pro-coconut oil pop-up, strengthen your resolve by repeating the words of his nemesis – Harvard scientist Karin Michels – as a protective mantra: “Pure poison, pure poison, pure poison.” Just note you may never see your kids again if your partner walks in.

This week, Michels enraged millions of pseudo-nutritionists and fad sheep around the world by emphatically stressing that coconut oil was, indeed, “pure poison” and also “one of the worst foods you can eat”. Perhaps she has not yet crossed paths with the humble pizza crunchie. Or experienced this uniquely Scottish delicacy with the obligatory roll and skoosh of tomato sauce on the bottom and curry sauce on top. Wha’s like us?

Michel’s harsh words weren’t just attention-seeking bluster, however – they were fired off with the righteous intent of shaming countless con-artists who profiteer from hope and desperation. It’s a shame she didn’t sign off by clarifying that the dead don’t talk either. Yet, in reaffirming that all scientific evidence for coconut oil’s wondrous properties points to either placebo, divine providence or, simply, people talking p**h, Michels likely now regrets reawakening the somewhat ridiculous debate on the substance’s alleged benefits. Yet, like most myths, we must acknowledge that rumours of its magical properties were indeed borne from a small seed of truth.

Most of us consume oil, be it vegetable, sunflower, olive or, if your doctor legally prescribes it of course, cannabis. One special component of coconut oil is caprylic acid – which the body breaks down into “ketone bodies” for cells to feed upon. Similar to Lucozade, compliments and MDMA, our brains really like these ketone bodies, and draw a considerable amount of energy from them.

Brain scans of people suffering from dementia show, logically, that affected areas use less energy. Coconut worshippers often work under the pseudo-scientific presumption that ketone bodies can give the brain the extra energy it needs to function “properly”. However, the vast majority of neuroscientists, including Michels, dismiss this argument – countering simply that dementia-effected cells are either dead or dying. Unless you’re Kriss Akabusi, whom scientists believe has the highest-ever recorded levels of energy in a human and will never suffer from dementia or even die.

For the rest of us, ingestion of coconut oil has not once been scientifically observed to help diabetes, cancer, heart disease, chronic fatigue, Crohn’s disease, IBS, cancer, thyroid issues or any other condition which a new breed of snake oil salesmen claim are “curable”.

Selling a health product that has no positive effect is bad enough, but is coconut oil actually “poison”? Well, it’s certainly no worse then sugar or ciggies.

Michels’ main concern is the product’s gargantuan dollop of saturated fat, which in excess amounts has been linked to obesity and other serious health conditions. Yet, recent research has highlighted other factors such as genetics, lifestyle and smoking as more likely to increase cardiac risk than sat fat. Still, if you enjoy a fag as you wait for your chips to fry in coconut oil, perhaps it’s best to get your affairs in order now before an MRI scan confirms what you already know inside.