In the club

WE hear that the indoor bowling season has started at Whiteinch Bowling Club in Glasgow. Says a club member: "Playing on the next rink to two teams of very senior members, some of whom are slightly hard of hearing, we could not help hearing some of their conversation. 'Were you and the wife away onywhere nice during the summer, Willie?' one of them was asked. 'We went on a bus tour down to Wales as my wife refuses to fly,' replied Willie. 'Have you tried knocking her out?' he was asked. 'Naw, I’ve never knocked her out, but I knocked her up a few times – we had five weans after all,' replied Willie."

Meddling kids

CARTOONIST Moose Allain idly asked folk for their favourite fancy dress stories. We liked the reply from the person in Glasgow who said: "My abiding memory of working night-shift in a Glasgow bakery on Hallowe'en, which also happened to be a Saturday night, was watching Jesus knocking seven bells out of Scooby Doo."

Taken for ride

WE sought your embarrassing moments, and Jack Minnock confesses: "I was working in Oxford years ago when the council introduced its park and ride system which I tried out. Duly parked, I went shopping. I got on the bus back only to find that I couldn't find my car and went back on the next bus and asked the driver to drop me off at the nearest police station as my car had been stolen. He laughed and said, 'Are you sure you're at the right car park as there are six?' Oh, the creeping mortification came on me. Two hours later and six car parks, with the driver killing himself laughing, I finally found my car."

Bum deal

YES, children still make us laugh. Margie Dobson was walking her dog out to Cramond Island in Edinburgh at the low tide when she slipped and fell. A young boy was staring at her when she got to her feet so she asked, 'Is my bum all muddy?" He earnestly replied, 'No, but your trousers are'."

Coasting

FORMER Strictly Come Dancing winner Joe McFadden returns to his home city to appear in the thriller The House on Cold Hill at the Theatre Royal. It says something for Glasgow schools that the actor was once asked in one of those perky interviews where you have to answer inane questions "What was the best school trip you ever had?" We think Joe turned the frivolity down a little when he replied: "The only trip we ever had was to the Magnum Centre in Irvine, so I suppose that will have to be my best."

Seat yourself

GROWING old continued. Says former Ayrshire MP Brian Donohoe: "I’ve just realised that I’m getting old as someone gave up their priority seat to me on the London Underground ."

Chilled

TODAY'S piece of daftness comes from Adam Hess who says: "I never feel more powerful than when I get a drink for my mate at the bar and the barman asks. ‘Ice?’ and I make a decision on my friend’s behalf."

Trump that

WE return again to the President of the United States as award-winning Glasgow-born TV writer Armando Iannucci declares: "Film pitch... Trump drugged and moved to a replica White House, where he carries on thinking he’s governing. Millions spent on hiring actors to play his staff, Senators, news anchors, people at rallies. There you go. Studios, your highest bid please."